Not knowing is the worst possible feeling in the world.
Right now. I sort of vaguely know. so it's not that bad.
It's ambiguous. kind of foggy. but unnoticeable. 'cause I'm going through the motions and I'm distracted. focusing in the wrong place.
running while looking at my shoe laces. I don't see the brick wall in front of me. I can sense it.
it's coming towards me. about to hug me. tough love? I'll learn from it. to look up a bit more.
there's not knowing. there's knowing that I don't know. then there's knowing. and maybe some more steps in between.
right now. I know I don't know. or in other key-strokes, I mean, I know what I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't find the motivation to do it.
so I'm human. so what? I need some motivation here. it's running on E. internal motivation would be best.
I'll need the external to trigger what's inside me. 'cause it's hibernating. and it's time to look up. and hurdle over the brick wall.
Tuesday, April 21
Sunday, March 22
Undesigned
There's something about this blog that I miss. The unfilteredness of it all.
I miss writing to empty out all my thoughts. Is there an audience? Maybe. I don't want to write for you. I want to write for me.
And right now, there's this story that comes to mind. several, but those'll be in separate posts.
Back in Miami, I used to live in a gated community, we called them complexes. at our complex, we'd play some form of cops-n-robbers. maybe with a more updated and mature name. any reason to chase each other.
and we'd all be on roller blades. skate, skate, skate. then sprinting when pavement meets grass.
one of these times. I remember being chased. and I was getting tired. exhausted. it's what happens when you sprint. sprint 'til you're empty. and I was about to give up, 'cause I couldn't run any more. just stop running and let 'em catch me.
then I stop. he's catching up to me. and right at the moment where he tags me, I start running again. something kicks in. and says, nope. not now. so the tank goes beyond empty. at this point, I'm damaging something.
the feeling comes again. give up. no. yes. it's a game. big deal. no. can't lose. do it. and that's how it goes.
self-imposed mind games.
I miss writing to empty out all my thoughts. Is there an audience? Maybe. I don't want to write for you. I want to write for me.
And right now, there's this story that comes to mind. several, but those'll be in separate posts.
Back in Miami, I used to live in a gated community, we called them complexes. at our complex, we'd play some form of cops-n-robbers. maybe with a more updated and mature name. any reason to chase each other.
and we'd all be on roller blades. skate, skate, skate. then sprinting when pavement meets grass.
one of these times. I remember being chased. and I was getting tired. exhausted. it's what happens when you sprint. sprint 'til you're empty. and I was about to give up, 'cause I couldn't run any more. just stop running and let 'em catch me.
then I stop. he's catching up to me. and right at the moment where he tags me, I start running again. something kicks in. and says, nope. not now. so the tank goes beyond empty. at this point, I'm damaging something.
the feeling comes again. give up. no. yes. it's a game. big deal. no. can't lose. do it. and that's how it goes.
self-imposed mind games.
Tuesday, March 17
Life Support
This blog is in life support. it's been drying up like a neglected plant for a while now. wilting and wrinkling and shrinking.
stagnation kills.
stagnation kills.
Monday, March 2
Tuesday, February 24
Friday, February 20
Ranting
A Rant, in the key of A-through-zee.
'cause I'm tired. 'cause I need sleep. 'cause of 'cause.
oh. no more?
that's it. this is it. the things that were exciting this morning were not enough to sustain me through the day. W?
that's what I said.
there's no substitute for sleep. I need to wake up in the morning to do that shuffle we do when we want to shake hands, meet'n'greet, say hi and introduce. make new friends.
I don't know you. yet.
but will do soon enough. compiling friends 'cause I've out grown the ones I have so far? maybe. a compilation of acquaintances. what can happen when you juice blender everyone you know into a room?
too much of everything. not enough of the opposite. a live study in consumption. over doing it. a gluttony of information and ambition. TV stations upon hulu channels. what was it? 160,000 links per day?
more, please. I'm not overloading fast enough yet. 'cause I'm still drowsy lucid. I'm still clicking away. still breathing this way.
realized that what I need is ownership of something. it doesn't feel like I own anything except what I know inside my head. and that's ephemeral. maybe I'm hording in a different sense.
a sense of self worth derived by not what I know. but how much I know. how much more expensive it is. the brand of my knowledge. how pricey it can be to listen to myself echo in a chamber.
saw Juno tonight. I can certainly comment on it. I laughed out loud towards the end. when he says that he actually tries really hard. 'cause that certainly feels true.
there's still a DVD stuck on my laptop. but I can't part with it yet. we just got back together. not yet. too soon. soon enough. too long. this longing.
in four hours I won't remember you.
'cause I'm tired. 'cause I need sleep. 'cause of 'cause.
oh. no more?
that's it. this is it. the things that were exciting this morning were not enough to sustain me through the day. W?
that's what I said.
there's no substitute for sleep. I need to wake up in the morning to do that shuffle we do when we want to shake hands, meet'n'greet, say hi and introduce. make new friends.
I don't know you. yet.
but will do soon enough. compiling friends 'cause I've out grown the ones I have so far? maybe. a compilation of acquaintances. what can happen when you juice blender everyone you know into a room?
too much of everything. not enough of the opposite. a live study in consumption. over doing it. a gluttony of information and ambition. TV stations upon hulu channels. what was it? 160,000 links per day?
more, please. I'm not overloading fast enough yet. 'cause I'm still drowsy lucid. I'm still clicking away. still breathing this way.
realized that what I need is ownership of something. it doesn't feel like I own anything except what I know inside my head. and that's ephemeral. maybe I'm hording in a different sense.
a sense of self worth derived by not what I know. but how much I know. how much more expensive it is. the brand of my knowledge. how pricey it can be to listen to myself echo in a chamber.
saw Juno tonight. I can certainly comment on it. I laughed out loud towards the end. when he says that he actually tries really hard. 'cause that certainly feels true.
there's still a DVD stuck on my laptop. but I can't part with it yet. we just got back together. not yet. too soon. soon enough. too long. this longing.
in four hours I won't remember you.
Tuesday, February 17
Updates!
Sort of. Kind of. I need to reconciliate all my online estates. by which I mean my blog.
there are way too many things to do. which is great. an overload of information. a saturation of tasks.
an overwhelming sense of joy. bursting at the cracks. tension in the slacks. everything is great. everything is wonderful at this moment in time.
work. work. work. candide was right. tend to your garden and you should be fine. whatever your garden is.
waiting for the analytics of today. it's delivered at midnight. because that constitutes a day.
I'm amazed at how much I've changed in two months. six weeks. perspectives. work. sleep patterns. not much on that end. but it's reverting to when I worked. when school was in session. when not enough sleep is normal. when it's required.
I somehow have too many things on my plate. and I somehow have too many plates at once.
the results are in.
and I'm ecstatic. I'm really happy. I want to cry. but my eyes are speechless.
this is good.
there are way too many things to do. which is great. an overload of information. a saturation of tasks.
an overwhelming sense of joy. bursting at the cracks. tension in the slacks. everything is great. everything is wonderful at this moment in time.
work. work. work. candide was right. tend to your garden and you should be fine. whatever your garden is.
waiting for the analytics of today. it's delivered at midnight. because that constitutes a day.
I'm amazed at how much I've changed in two months. six weeks. perspectives. work. sleep patterns. not much on that end. but it's reverting to when I worked. when school was in session. when not enough sleep is normal. when it's required.
I somehow have too many things on my plate. and I somehow have too many plates at once.
the results are in.
and I'm ecstatic. I'm really happy. I want to cry. but my eyes are speechless.
this is good.
Wednesday, February 11
Monday, February 9
Friday, February 6
Luxury = Wastefulness
I hate that equation. That luxury is equated with how much you can waste. How much you can spend. The more superlatives, the more luxurious.
It's this need to feel validated that drives us to spend more than my twin. Or whoever I'm comparing myself to.
Is there such a thing as sustainable luxury? Would that solve half our problems? Assuming that the current problem is consuming ourselves to death.
Good And Tired
Feeling good from reading the right things. hearing the right words.
tired from not enough sleep.
so I'll be sleeping with a smile.
tired from not enough sleep.
so I'll be sleeping with a smile.
Wednesday, February 4
Not Having A Computer
It's the equivalent of crashing on someone's couch. I thought I had written about it.
But can't find it.
A feeling of insufficiency. Not the right size. Have what I need, but not what I want.
Oh. I did write about it. In my post-it notes.
Going to pick it up tomorrow. Like picking up your significant other at the airport. Anticipation of reunions.
What is it going to look like? Am I going to recognize it?
Gasp.
Feels like too many things are on hold because I haven't had a laptop for almost days now. Excuses? Most likely.
Eyes are tired. I completely went back to browsing instead of finishing this post.
and.....done.
But can't find it.
A feeling of insufficiency. Not the right size. Have what I need, but not what I want.
Oh. I did write about it. In my post-it notes.
Going to pick it up tomorrow. Like picking up your significant other at the airport. Anticipation of reunions.
What is it going to look like? Am I going to recognize it?
Gasp.
Feels like too many things are on hold because I haven't had a laptop for almost days now. Excuses? Most likely.
Eyes are tired. I completely went back to browsing instead of finishing this post.
and.....done.
Monday, February 2
Saturday, January 31
24 In 2009
It's my first birthday since graduation. The first time where I don't have to be doing anything. The first time I can do everything.
A combination of freedom, friends, and ffffinding out what life could be about.
What's funny is this sense of being wiser than I was yesteryear. And it'll happen again next year. No doubt. A constant cycle of looking back and not understanding how I could be so oblivious a dozen months ago.
It's Plato's allegory of the digital cave.
New perspectives. Jogging past the overhead projection that is life.
Whips and flickers. Blinks and whispers.
It's the best one so far. Not because everything is wonderful. Not in that sense.
Not that I'm happy. Nor un-happy. But that there's clarity. It's a vague feeling of knowing. Figuring it out.
The sky clearing. Fog fading. Cool air through nostrils. The sun rising.
It's 9:33pm. And I'm born again today.
Hello, world.
Friday, January 30
The Saddest Sentence Of Today
"The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain." - New Existentialist
Hello World
It's my birthday tomorrow, and instead of birthday wishes, I want this for my birthday instead: answer two questions for me here. (should take you 45 seconds. 60 if you finger-type.)
Yay!
The Easiest Birthday Gift
Yay!
The Easiest Birthday Gift
Wednesday, January 28
Txting on planes
In itself. The news is not that big of a deal. Reminds me of a list of stupid things on commercial planes vs. the air force. That article claimed that air force planes are facing the tail, which is safer than commercial planes.
All that aside.
What I find interesting here is that they're announcing their texting service that's planned for September. that's 8 months ahead of launch. What does this mean? Are they testing the waters? Dipping their toes in the service pool?
[source Txting on planes]
All that aside.
What I find interesting here is that they're announcing their texting service that's planned for September. that's 8 months ahead of launch. What does this mean? Are they testing the waters? Dipping their toes in the service pool?
[source Txting on planes]
Optimal age for confidence and self worth
The survey's conducted by a mineral water company, discredited? not 100% just partially. Regardless of results, I'd like to think I'll be happiest and most confident right before I die. I'll have something to look forward to that way. If 32 is optimal age of happiness, it's not much fun after that, is it?
[original article here]
[original article here]
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