1:06

mother.

sis spent the whole day with her at the hospital. a check up.

but it's unnerving. you never know what's going to happen. something can happen. anything. and it will.

good thing nothing happened. waiting for half the day until their turn. finally come home to see mom sleeping. with the bandage around her right hand. where they stick the needle thing in.

so she tells me how everything went. retelling it twice as if the first time didn't count. and it's the most that we ever talk about.

so I'm sitting by, and listening. and this image of mom laying on a hospital bed comes into my mind. and I have momentary flash of how horrible it'd be if she was weaker, and it was the hospital and she was talking as if there isn't much time for anything else.

as if something bad did happen.

and that sucks.

death worries me. I don't know how I'd deal with it. I can't see beyond that point. it's my opaque glass ceiling. can't go past it. can't see past it.

not until it's here and I have to experience it. and I dread it. it's beyond my control.

the only thing I can do is anything before that moment arrives. but I'm too busy with school.

god, how I'd regret it if I miss out on anything important because school was blocking my view. it wouldn't be worth it and I'd quit graphic design. I'd put down my x-acto knife away for good.

how different is a scalpel from an x-acto knife? probably not too far. distant cousins or fraternal twins (just wikipediaed it).

never knew, now I know.

death worries me. mother's and sis's and maybe dad's. yeah. and mine. time is running out.

I'll say it again until I can improve on it. if I could only live one life, what would I do?

you only live once. which should be more than enough. it isn't.

I look forward to no more schooling, but twenty-four-seven learning. should be the best summer yet. has to be.