Tuesday, May 27

2:00am a list of things to write about

That's what I started to do.

a to-do list of topics to write about.

right now, it'll be about how i'm feeling.

not sure what it is exactly.

it's very ambiguous. an amorphous feeling. neither here nor quite somewhere else.

work tomorrow. already not enough sleep.

meeting new people is fun.

It's a sense of potential. I want to explode with things. creating. and I feel that it's on the verge of happening. but not quite here yet.

the anticipation of it. as if my body knows about it before I do. because I feel like I should have so much time now. but I don't really. do I?

school's out. real world's in. but time's constantly missing.

and I maybe I should stay up to be productive. but I have work tomorrow. and the cycle has already started.

the one where I work too many hours and don't have enough time to collect my thoughts and move my life forward.

four minutes of venting.

2:05am 'night. 'morning. hello. good-bye.

Sunday, May 25

2:34am lunch, dinner.

things happened today.

got home at 5am. woke up to a phone call. and it's let's go to lunch.

meet up. and have a good time with good food.

me: I like you.
her: let's be friends.

the surprising part is that it wasn't too awkward. and I wasn't completely embarrassed. only slightly and partially.

came home. napped for half an hour. went back out to meet everyone for ethiopian food. really tasty.

and hung around the park afterwards. wandering. talking.

so the weird part is that while walking home, I didn't really want to come back yet.

I wanted to stay out and just think about things.

where I am. how things are going. what I want to do.

quiet time. to digest my life.

I'm tired. but I need to think.

and two days ago. I figured I should ask myself this question every day: what's going to make my day better today?

and go do it.

it happened today. I wanted to know. and I found out.

no need to wonder.

friends and family over anything else?

feels like I have a lot to talk about.

to sort through.

when is that going to happen?

2:48am

Saturday, May 24

5:46am Long Day

in a good way.

work. meeting. rob's birthday. short day. leaving early. meeting with marielle for the guggenheim. could've gone in for free.

show was good. wanted more pieces.

central park. AIGA. jonathan. mao. suckzoo. sun. dah-yee. debbie. john maeda. and sundry speakers.

new york times graphics. self actualization charts. emotional graphs during passionate moments. devotion. many-eyes.

inspiration. fun. moderation.

dinner search. mao abandons. curry in a hurry. MT fifteen minimum. matt's roof. beard. beer.

shawn. graydon. james. ben. chris. elinor/deniz. harris.

3am. lyric diner. girls out of cabs.

food. over-fried-fries.

laughing 'til crying.

F train home. letters to a young poet.

walking home while women walk the streets.

'night.

5:54am

Friday, May 23

1:48am visiting and working

working and visiting.

tomorrow's friday. long day of events. short day at work.

ss+k seems like an pretty sweet place to work for. and that says a lot considering that it's hard to even get to a sweet place without downsides.

what else. what else.

I write funny things in my head during the morning. but I forget them afterwards.

I need to scribble them down.

reading design by numbers by john maeda is like reading a suspense thriller. 'cause I know that I'll learn something by the end of the book.

I'll know something. and the anticipation kills. today. I learned how to make a square.

a square on a screen.

imagine that.

I'm thrilled. couldn't wait to get home and code it in myself. and see it display. bleup. there it is.

need to know what else I can do with it.

sleep time.

woke up early today to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. felt good. but not used to waking up that early.

there's a lot of hours between 5am and 10am.

2:19am

Wednesday, May 21

2:35am meetings

Met with a recruiter today. a head hunter. they search for brains and talent.

and it was raining. and cold.

I need new shoes.

and sleep.

why am I not sleeping regular hours?

afraid of non-productivity.

eek!

2:40am

Monday, May 19

3:18am why am I not sleeping yet?

maybe because 3am is my sunrise.

it's normal for me.

and the story of the night:

on the 6 train tonight. coming home.

I look over to my left and this girl/woman is reading some print-outs.

I nosy a glance and see something along the lines of:

Top 10 Fellatio Tips.

double take. what? what? yeeup.

the print out header says "babeland university."

so I'm wondering if she's studying to be a sex therapist. maybe that'll explain it all.

why she doesn't feel embarrassed by it. because it's a career move.

couldn't see whether the tips were useful or not, and I didn't want to stare.

so that was that.

people always overhear the weirdest things in NYC. never thought I'd oversee something that'd compare.

I feel the urge to avoid puns in this entry.

and now I have babeland university in my search box. great.

3:27am

Sunday, May 18

7:06pm I wanto feel nostalgic.

about school. and the expectations that come with it.

once it's done, everything changes.

we're adults now. we're supposed to fend for ourselves.

I should fend for myself.

among other things.

!

so I miss that already.

and dread what's looming ahead.

7:09pm

Saturday, May 17

1:46am watching and noting videos online

from katya:
http://www.bampfa.berkeley.edu/media/kubelka.mov

everything's a metaphor. everything's communication.

how he compares money to weapons and means of hunting and gathering.

the supermarket is a plastic paradise.

food is the medium through which the cook communicates to the audience. bam.

domesticating the horizon. artificial horizons.

"persuaded the cow to give her milk" lol.

milk in a bottle= domesticated spaces. 'cause it'd never see the light of day. from mother to child.

an edible metaphor.

1/4 of the movie done. more to come.

4:01am graduation

was technically yesterday.

so I'm feeling that there's more testosterone flowing around me. not in. the body's not producing more. but I'm walking around. I was walking around for a split second with a new aura.

it's faded.

and now I'm waiting to see what graduation feels like. what the real world smells like.

how it reacts.

graduating from college and enrolling into the real world. not that we weren't in it before. just a sub-section of it.

and this body of water is just slightly bigger, and deeper. with more people swimming around. we can go anywhere.

I started worrying about not doing work. not creating constantly.

that's my fear. to not create. and slack off because we don't have to create work any more.

there's not incentive for it. the diploma is in my hands, sucker.

so that's the fear.

I have to counter it. before it sets in and the roots dig in.

what am I supposed to learn from this moment? I figured yesterday that I could've been doing what I'm doing now all these years. emailing and reaching out to people.

it would've been more hit and miss, but contacts none-the-less.

that's slightly frustrating.

the other thing I'm learning at this very moment is to let go.

maybe there'll be things in life that won't have definite endings. and they just fade away.

and I should be fine with it. learn to deal and live with.

I don't know why I need the closure, because I wouldn't ask for much anyway. so there really isn't a need to fight for it. because if I would end up with it after striving for it, I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with it.

but I there's the need to know. because the possibility kills. potential is dangerous.

and not knowing chips away.

uncertainty. that's what it is. what I need is a replacement of things I want. maybe distractions. no.

not distractions. that's just digging a deeper hole.

but figure out what I want. and re-orient myself.

and bam. onwards into a new fight.

because school struggles are over. now I need new ones to keep me alive.

and knowing what I want to do after overcoming the struggles is important. to me. that's how I function. that's how I dysfunction.


4:15am. sleep time.

Friday, May 16

2:13am the cutest thing in the world

when a small child is singing her ABCs in random order.

saw it happen this morning on the bus. then she knows the tune to Mary had a Little Lamb. and she asks mommy to sing it.

she knows the tunes and jumbles the words.

the lady sitting next to her asks how old she is.

silence.

blank stare.

searching for an answer.

seven!

you're not seven, mommy corrects.

she's obviously not seven. but you have to give it to her for blurting out an answer. giving it a shot. fearless.

then tonight at the Brilliant event, takashi's baby. mirai has to be the cutest baby in the world. has to be.

I'm usually not too crazy about cute babies. all babies are cute. but Mirai oozes with sweetness it makes you almost squirm at how cute she is. you don't know what to do and it makes you want to lose your composure.

2:19am

Wednesday, May 14

2:16am two things.

maybe more.

there's nothing in this world like receiving advice from someone you admire.

life should be that simple.

the other item on the list is: maybe I'm expecting things to move faster than I need them to be. meaning, I should slow down my expectations. same standard, different time frame.

and I should write longer entries. cap and gown tomorrow. sister just got home. that means the bunk-bed for me.

yes. I feel like a 5 year old. and I'm afraid I'll fall off and crush whatever's underneath me. or that I might break the bed.

and neither case is good in the ultimate sense.

and I need to get up early tomorrow morning, today, I mean, to email folks.

I thought: I need to write a ton of email. and that's a lot of emails 'cause they don't weigh anything at all.

ba-zing.

2:21am

Monday, May 12

1:01pm two sides

on my right. drama and tears.

on my left. jumping for joy.

incoherent on both sides.

I sit and email.

Sunday, May 11

6:03pm in need of advice

but google doesn't do that kind of thing.

query is invalid.

Tuesday, May 6

1:41am OSD

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ironically, I did have a dream today after what I wrote yesterday. but I wrote about it on the way to work. so I don't feel like reiterating it now.

'cause I need sleep and have to get ready for 'morrow.

1:42am

Monday, May 5

12:33am upset vs. upsetting

everything feels upsetting right now. not sure whether it's the fact that I expected to be done. or the fact that I haven't had enough sleep. or my bed isn't that great at comforting me in the wee hours of the night.

so maybe it's a combination of all those things plus a few more on the to-do list.

it's a no longer a list. but a scroll. it unfurls. and keeps rolling.

it says The End. but really means to be continued...

being near is not the same as being here.

I should go to sleep. I could probably list all the things on the list right now. but that'd be silly. enumeration only works in, umm, I don't know. maybe it doesn't work.

blah blah blhahba;ldjfa;lsdjfeladj

yeah.

and that's that. I need to go see a movie. Be Kind Rewind. And some museum shows.

so I've obviously missed the boat on one of the above already.

and I miss remembering dreams dearly.

12:41am

Sunday, May 4

8:46pm when it's not over yet

it's past May 2nd, when things were due. and there are more things due.

a never ending circle of more and more. you have to put something down to make sure you're not running over the same path.

a pirate scarf among the trees.

did I say pirate? I mean red cowboy.

hungry. should go home and eat. I feel like I have stuff to write, but there isn't much to say unless I consciously recount the days.

probably starting from friday.

I need a camera.

a good one.

and there are things to do.

people to call. places to email.

I should email places.

I feel like I missed opportunities already.

way to go.

8:51pm

Friday, May 2

5:56am easy

It's easy to be up on time when you haven't slept.

finished putting together the book.

now off to work. no time to write.

and you see the pencil trail scribble off...

5:57am

Thursday, May 1

2:20am one day left.

don't know why, but I'm frustrated right now. maybe it's being back home after spending so many nights in the lab. I feel trapped inside a mouse cage.

slightly uncomfortable and cramped.

it's not the lab's lights and space.

I should probably be done by now. but I'm dragging my feet. and everything I've done so far doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I know it is. somewhat. but it doesn't feel like it.

there's no pride in it any more. it's done. it's over. what's next?

but it's not really over yet, 'cause portfolio day is tomorrow. then the luncheons.

then the reviews.

and everything else on top of it.

but to end this entry on a happy note. katya's exhibition was pretty sweet. definitely access excess.

can't believe it's been 3 years.

can't wait for the next 3. I feel that amazing things will happen. I don't feel it now. but I'm sure they will.