4:01am graduation

was technically yesterday.

so I'm feeling that there's more testosterone flowing around me. not in. the body's not producing more. but I'm walking around. I was walking around for a split second with a new aura.

it's faded.

and now I'm waiting to see what graduation feels like. what the real world smells like.

how it reacts.

graduating from college and enrolling into the real world. not that we weren't in it before. just a sub-section of it.

and this body of water is just slightly bigger, and deeper. with more people swimming around. we can go anywhere.

I started worrying about not doing work. not creating constantly.

that's my fear. to not create. and slack off because we don't have to create work any more.

there's not incentive for it. the diploma is in my hands, sucker.

so that's the fear.

I have to counter it. before it sets in and the roots dig in.

what am I supposed to learn from this moment? I figured yesterday that I could've been doing what I'm doing now all these years. emailing and reaching out to people.

it would've been more hit and miss, but contacts none-the-less.

that's slightly frustrating.

the other thing I'm learning at this very moment is to let go.

maybe there'll be things in life that won't have definite endings. and they just fade away.

and I should be fine with it. learn to deal and live with.

I don't know why I need the closure, because I wouldn't ask for much anyway. so there really isn't a need to fight for it. because if I would end up with it after striving for it, I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with it.

but I there's the need to know. because the possibility kills. potential is dangerous.

and not knowing chips away.

uncertainty. that's what it is. what I need is a replacement of things I want. maybe distractions. no.

not distractions. that's just digging a deeper hole.

but figure out what I want. and re-orient myself.

and bam. onwards into a new fight.

because school struggles are over. now I need new ones to keep me alive.

and knowing what I want to do after overcoming the struggles is important. to me. that's how I function. that's how I dysfunction.


4:15am. sleep time.