The first "leaked" image of the waterfalls in beta mode.
It's interesting to see the photo of the waterfall in action, and more interestingly, though to read the comments about what people think.
how people argue, insult, and pseudo-debate about trite things online. well, is it trite? that's another question.
there will forever be those that misspell online and mis-grammar, but there'll also be their counterparts to mock their lack of spelling and grammar.
Some people have visceral reactions to the "art." Others whine about money being wasted.
And a few defenders. justifying its existence. Is this what art does? matters not.
the debate is interesting. how people will perceive it. undeserved value makes people angry.
Monday, June 23
0:18am "For Every Generation, There is a Gap"
Read the original article
From reading John's article,
I feel that we, as people, recycle problems. The old will forever say "back in my day..."
There are things that never change. They might be different, but essentially the same problems.
The constant struggle between the haves and have-nots. Me versus you; us vs. them; young vs. old; men vs. women. Now factor in age and nationalities.
So there are things that we'll deal with constantly. Knowing this, what do we do? Change? Adapt?
I was wondering a few weeks ago about the rate of change between high school teachers and students vs. college teachers and college students.
So what will I not "get" from the generation after me?
What will I complain about? Not be able to adjust to? Or will they essentially be the same problems I have now?
0:25am
From reading John's article,
I feel that we, as people, recycle problems. The old will forever say "back in my day..."
There are things that never change. They might be different, but essentially the same problems.
The constant struggle between the haves and have-nots. Me versus you; us vs. them; young vs. old; men vs. women. Now factor in age and nationalities.
So there are things that we'll deal with constantly. Knowing this, what do we do? Change? Adapt?
I was wondering a few weeks ago about the rate of change between high school teachers and students vs. college teachers and college students.
So what will I not "get" from the generation after me?
What will I complain about? Not be able to adjust to? Or will they essentially be the same problems I have now?
0:25am
Sunday, June 22
14:55pm This is a test from the land before earth and above the sky.
never say whenever. or whatever if it arrives sooner and before you expected to be congratulated in front of a crowd of flying meese in Q formation.
Saturday, June 21
1:45am Frontline: Young and Restless in China
Young and Restless in China
opportunity in china. potential.
software outsourcing.
high rises = symbol of growth
"returning turtles" = chinese coming back from abroad
changing jobs, cities, lifestyles like nothing.
"working every single day, spending my savings, dripping my blood; feels like riding a roller coaster"
internet cafes
countdown to 2008 olympic games.
migrant workers looking for work during olympic preparations.
regular wage = 40 cents/ hr (a way out of rural poverty)
family's poverty depresses, ashames.
between tradition and city life.
rapper: discrimination, money, social status; how come my life sucks?
identify with black people in america. dreams of having food and a big house.
public interest lawyer: 1.5 million residents forced to move for the olympics.
upheaval more humane. resentment by community.
vocal middle class. sacrifice your rights for national interest.
events in Tienanmen sq.
—how is what we're doing now going to affect how we live the rest of our lives?
health care: 400 miles to see a doctor.
his motto: cure sometimes, relief often, comfort always.
palliative care > save the family's resources instead of care.
///
more than half of the population still in farming.
if there weren't farmers, what would we eat?
too tanned, doesn't look pretty.
women leave school to support brother's education.
human trafficking.
gossip in the village. kidnapped mother is a disgrace to the village. WTF?
all the village's marriages are arranged.
a couple of hours from meeting 'til being engaged.
—expectations of tradition and personal expectations. responsibility for yourself and impact on others.
the huge difference between "dreams" and "reality"
woman with an MBA; during interviews, how soon are you going to have a child?
—different stories makes it hard to keep track of what notes I'm taking.
being abroad, being sensitive to bribery and corruption.
western values to judge chinese companies.
helping or not helping. apathy from local officials.
fish have to live in water, if the water isnt' clean, you have to live with it.
afraid that it won't be a moral struggle.
not knowing where is home. what am I doing here?
balancing work and personal life.
—so it's all the same things we deal with? isn't it?
many girls only believe in money.
believe in love? nope, only money.
there is no right or wrong.
can't be successful if you don't have several lovers.
after being baptized, he no longer feels lonely.
—there's this weird voice over description of what's going on the screen.
life support for your old age.
—feels like I turned on the disability feature online, hence the voice-over.
doctors breed doctors.
mcdonald's is a luxury. a place for proposal.
"I love her more than I love myself."
months of discussion before bringing her mother home. why so long? what's there to ask?
kidnapped 18 years ago before reunited.
3:17am chapter 9 and on for another day. we'll call it, Tomorrow.
22:07am
pollution from smelting plants, pollutes the river, farmers can't farm.
no one will buy their crops. their well is polluted. they drink the polluted water.
ask for compensations.
and people die from cancer. and the world goes on.
the land of opportunity—china.
quotas: 600 pieces an hour. 6000 a day. 11 hour days. no weekends. no time to think.
—maybe that's what I need right now. time to think.
the happiness index.
not individual and society. can you afford the things you want to buy?
no believes. no role models. they're all materialistic.
a poor kid going into a candy store vs. a rich kid only getting what he wants.
socially responsible and create social benefits.
—who doesn't want to do that? if given the choice, we'd all like to help, but what's the sacrifice? how much work do i have to do in order to help?
22:37pm
opportunity in china. potential.
software outsourcing.
high rises = symbol of growth
"returning turtles" = chinese coming back from abroad
changing jobs, cities, lifestyles like nothing.
"working every single day, spending my savings, dripping my blood; feels like riding a roller coaster"
internet cafes
countdown to 2008 olympic games.
migrant workers looking for work during olympic preparations.
regular wage = 40 cents/ hr (a way out of rural poverty)
family's poverty depresses, ashames.
between tradition and city life.
rapper: discrimination, money, social status; how come my life sucks?
identify with black people in america. dreams of having food and a big house.
public interest lawyer: 1.5 million residents forced to move for the olympics.
upheaval more humane. resentment by community.
vocal middle class. sacrifice your rights for national interest.
events in Tienanmen sq.
—how is what we're doing now going to affect how we live the rest of our lives?
health care: 400 miles to see a doctor.
his motto: cure sometimes, relief often, comfort always.
palliative care > save the family's resources instead of care.
///
more than half of the population still in farming.
if there weren't farmers, what would we eat?
too tanned, doesn't look pretty.
women leave school to support brother's education.
human trafficking.
gossip in the village. kidnapped mother is a disgrace to the village. WTF?
all the village's marriages are arranged.
a couple of hours from meeting 'til being engaged.
—expectations of tradition and personal expectations. responsibility for yourself and impact on others.
the huge difference between "dreams" and "reality"
woman with an MBA; during interviews, how soon are you going to have a child?
—different stories makes it hard to keep track of what notes I'm taking.
being abroad, being sensitive to bribery and corruption.
western values to judge chinese companies.
helping or not helping. apathy from local officials.
fish have to live in water, if the water isnt' clean, you have to live with it.
afraid that it won't be a moral struggle.
not knowing where is home. what am I doing here?
balancing work and personal life.
—so it's all the same things we deal with? isn't it?
many girls only believe in money.
believe in love? nope, only money.
there is no right or wrong.
can't be successful if you don't have several lovers.
after being baptized, he no longer feels lonely.
—there's this weird voice over description of what's going on the screen.
life support for your old age.
—feels like I turned on the disability feature online, hence the voice-over.
doctors breed doctors.
mcdonald's is a luxury. a place for proposal.
"I love her more than I love myself."
months of discussion before bringing her mother home. why so long? what's there to ask?
kidnapped 18 years ago before reunited.
3:17am chapter 9 and on for another day. we'll call it, Tomorrow.
22:07am
pollution from smelting plants, pollutes the river, farmers can't farm.
no one will buy their crops. their well is polluted. they drink the polluted water.
ask for compensations.
and people die from cancer. and the world goes on.
the land of opportunity—china.
quotas: 600 pieces an hour. 6000 a day. 11 hour days. no weekends. no time to think.
—maybe that's what I need right now. time to think.
the happiness index.
not individual and society. can you afford the things you want to buy?
no believes. no role models. they're all materialistic.
a poor kid going into a candy store vs. a rich kid only getting what he wants.
socially responsible and create social benefits.
—who doesn't want to do that? if given the choice, we'd all like to help, but what's the sacrifice? how much work do i have to do in order to help?
22:37pm
Sunday, June 15
1:11am Frontline: "Living Old"
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/livingold/view/
there's a bug on my screen. don't want to squash it 'cause of splash damage on the screen.
bug juice.
karma is not part of the equation.
I love Frontline reports.
This one is on aging. people 85 and older. makes me think about how I want to age. and how I should be taking care of my parents when they're older.
and makes me feel better about a lot of things. if I'm 23, and I'll get to live to be around 80 years old. I still have about 50-60 years to see the world. to do something with my life. right?
—how does it feel to be a hundred? "the same as being 99"
—mass geriatric society. living longer and healthier.
healthier is the key, because you start losing your functions. you can't walk, talk, move, eat, see, hear.
it's not cancer, Alzheimer's, or the dramatic diseases.
—people want to live longer with their body at the peak, not aging and deteriorating.
—over the next 30 years. the number of over 65, 20% = 70 million of the US population.
—chronic illnesses keep you alive and dead at the same time.
losing control of your own bodily functions. things that kids get made fun of. that tease each other about.
and you live in that helpless phase again.
—number of geriatricians. 50. that's in the entire US? I think so. ridiculous. and the shortage of nurses.
what are your expectations about your aging parents? or my parents' expectations on me? and my sister?
$150,000 a year for the 24hr home care that is needed.
that fantasy of dying in your sleep. rarely happens.
is this why we have kids? so that some will take care of us when no one else will?
functions and comfort.
—nursing homes: the waiting room. or will you be better off than when you were at home?
—multi-generational households.
cancer when you're older. surgery, then chemo, is it worth it? all the trouble?
doing everything you can to keep someone alive. when are you ready to let go?
do not resuscitate orders.
is it love or cruelty?
"I do not want to be a burden to my loved ones"
assist them in having a purpose in life, since quality is not there any more.
the dramatic music doesn't help.
"I like life, the sun, the air..."
there's a bug on my screen. don't want to squash it 'cause of splash damage on the screen.
bug juice.
karma is not part of the equation.
I love Frontline reports.
This one is on aging. people 85 and older. makes me think about how I want to age. and how I should be taking care of my parents when they're older.
and makes me feel better about a lot of things. if I'm 23, and I'll get to live to be around 80 years old. I still have about 50-60 years to see the world. to do something with my life. right?
—how does it feel to be a hundred? "the same as being 99"
—mass geriatric society. living longer and healthier.
healthier is the key, because you start losing your functions. you can't walk, talk, move, eat, see, hear.
it's not cancer, Alzheimer's, or the dramatic diseases.
—people want to live longer with their body at the peak, not aging and deteriorating.
—over the next 30 years. the number of over 65, 20% = 70 million of the US population.
—chronic illnesses keep you alive and dead at the same time.
losing control of your own bodily functions. things that kids get made fun of. that tease each other about.
and you live in that helpless phase again.
—number of geriatricians. 50. that's in the entire US? I think so. ridiculous. and the shortage of nurses.
what are your expectations about your aging parents? or my parents' expectations on me? and my sister?
$150,000 a year for the 24hr home care that is needed.
that fantasy of dying in your sleep. rarely happens.
is this why we have kids? so that some will take care of us when no one else will?
functions and comfort.
—nursing homes: the waiting room. or will you be better off than when you were at home?
—multi-generational households.
cancer when you're older. surgery, then chemo, is it worth it? all the trouble?
doing everything you can to keep someone alive. when are you ready to let go?
do not resuscitate orders.
is it love or cruelty?
"I do not want to be a burden to my loved ones"
assist them in having a purpose in life, since quality is not there any more.
the dramatic music doesn't help.
"I like life, the sun, the air..."
Thursday, June 12
Making Eye Contact With A Stranger for 5minutes 45 seconds.
Saw this online for some reason. was wikiing Vimeo. and why can't spell-checks recognize new brand names? facebook doesn't recognize itself when you're writing on someone's wall.
tisk tisk.
So Noah takes a photo of himself every day for 6 years. cool. commendable. but what does that accomplish? it doesn't tell me much about him. watching him not blink for 5:45 is kind of creepy.
he seems like a lonely/sad guy. but I'm sure he's more than that. and in the end. his 6 years of photography doesn't tell me anything. it might make some people upload their years of self-portraits. and that's it. maybe that's good enough for some.
I'm sure it's cool enough for him. he'll look back and maybe remember what was happening during certain photos.
tisk tisk.
So Noah takes a photo of himself every day for 6 years. cool. commendable. but what does that accomplish? it doesn't tell me much about him. watching him not blink for 5:45 is kind of creepy.
he seems like a lonely/sad guy. but I'm sure he's more than that. and in the end. his 6 years of photography doesn't tell me anything. it might make some people upload their years of self-portraits. and that's it. maybe that's good enough for some.
I'm sure it's cool enough for him. he'll look back and maybe remember what was happening during certain photos.
Monday, June 9
21:49pm Liveblogging WWDC 2008
9:49pm started watching about 30 minutes ago.
steve came onstage.
supermonkey ball and other apps.
now watching other developers talk about their experience with the SDK.
9:51pm: live blogging with typepad
9:52pm: associated press
(game changing device, forcing everyone to change the way the do things)
everyone says how much they love working with the iphone.
9:55 pangea. games are now $9.99
9:59pm. creating apps quickly.
22:04pm. hardware last year. software this year.
22:13pm iphone changes gaming with their rendering. and mobile. WoW addicts rejoice.
22:18pm. push notification for developers.
22:36pm. mobileMe. everything's connected all the time. isn't it this way already?
22:53pm. 6 million iphones in one year.
23:03pm iphone 3G x% faster. and making fun of other phones. other CEOs must feel small. right?
how embarrassing it must be for CEOs of other mobile companies when their kids would rather use an iphone.
23:17pm july 11th is too far away.
steve came onstage.
supermonkey ball and other apps.
now watching other developers talk about their experience with the SDK.
9:51pm: live blogging with typepad
9:52pm: associated press
(game changing device, forcing everyone to change the way the do things)
everyone says how much they love working with the iphone.
9:55 pangea. games are now $9.99
9:59pm. creating apps quickly.
22:04pm. hardware last year. software this year.
22:13pm iphone changes gaming with their rendering. and mobile. WoW addicts rejoice.
22:18pm. push notification for developers.
22:36pm. mobileMe. everything's connected all the time. isn't it this way already?
22:53pm. 6 million iphones in one year.
23:03pm iphone 3G x% faster. and making fun of other phones. other CEOs must feel small. right?
how embarrassing it must be for CEOs of other mobile companies when their kids would rather use an iphone.
23:17pm july 11th is too far away.
Friday, June 6
First Digg Post: Brand Timeline Portrait
No text, see it yourself. My jaw dropped when I thought about it after reading it, sweet.
See it here
among other things.
way too many things to keep track of.
digg. delicious. and the blogs I'd like to stay on top of.
when will it all come together into one singularity? I'd probably not want it that way anyway.
too much power.
See it here
among other things.
way too many things to keep track of.
digg. delicious. and the blogs I'd like to stay on top of.
when will it all come together into one singularity? I'd probably not want it that way anyway.
too much power.
Thursday, May 29
Tuesday, May 27
2:00am a list of things to write about
That's what I started to do.
a to-do list of topics to write about.
right now, it'll be about how i'm feeling.
not sure what it is exactly.
it's very ambiguous. an amorphous feeling. neither here nor quite somewhere else.
work tomorrow. already not enough sleep.
meeting new people is fun.
It's a sense of potential. I want to explode with things. creating. and I feel that it's on the verge of happening. but not quite here yet.
the anticipation of it. as if my body knows about it before I do. because I feel like I should have so much time now. but I don't really. do I?
school's out. real world's in. but time's constantly missing.
and I maybe I should stay up to be productive. but I have work tomorrow. and the cycle has already started.
the one where I work too many hours and don't have enough time to collect my thoughts and move my life forward.
four minutes of venting.
2:05am 'night. 'morning. hello. good-bye.
a to-do list of topics to write about.
right now, it'll be about how i'm feeling.
not sure what it is exactly.
it's very ambiguous. an amorphous feeling. neither here nor quite somewhere else.
work tomorrow. already not enough sleep.
meeting new people is fun.
It's a sense of potential. I want to explode with things. creating. and I feel that it's on the verge of happening. but not quite here yet.
the anticipation of it. as if my body knows about it before I do. because I feel like I should have so much time now. but I don't really. do I?
school's out. real world's in. but time's constantly missing.
and I maybe I should stay up to be productive. but I have work tomorrow. and the cycle has already started.
the one where I work too many hours and don't have enough time to collect my thoughts and move my life forward.
four minutes of venting.
2:05am 'night. 'morning. hello. good-bye.
Sunday, May 25
2:34am lunch, dinner.
things happened today.
got home at 5am. woke up to a phone call. and it's let's go to lunch.
meet up. and have a good time with good food.
me: I like you.
her: let's be friends.
the surprising part is that it wasn't too awkward. and I wasn't completely embarrassed. only slightly and partially.
came home. napped for half an hour. went back out to meet everyone for ethiopian food. really tasty.
and hung around the park afterwards. wandering. talking.
so the weird part is that while walking home, I didn't really want to come back yet.
I wanted to stay out and just think about things.
where I am. how things are going. what I want to do.
quiet time. to digest my life.
I'm tired. but I need to think.
and two days ago. I figured I should ask myself this question every day: what's going to make my day better today?
and go do it.
it happened today. I wanted to know. and I found out.
no need to wonder.
friends and family over anything else?
feels like I have a lot to talk about.
to sort through.
when is that going to happen?
2:48am
got home at 5am. woke up to a phone call. and it's let's go to lunch.
meet up. and have a good time with good food.
me: I like you.
her: let's be friends.
the surprising part is that it wasn't too awkward. and I wasn't completely embarrassed. only slightly and partially.
came home. napped for half an hour. went back out to meet everyone for ethiopian food. really tasty.
and hung around the park afterwards. wandering. talking.
so the weird part is that while walking home, I didn't really want to come back yet.
I wanted to stay out and just think about things.
where I am. how things are going. what I want to do.
quiet time. to digest my life.
I'm tired. but I need to think.
and two days ago. I figured I should ask myself this question every day: what's going to make my day better today?
and go do it.
it happened today. I wanted to know. and I found out.
no need to wonder.
friends and family over anything else?
feels like I have a lot to talk about.
to sort through.
when is that going to happen?
2:48am
Saturday, May 24
5:46am Long Day
in a good way.
work. meeting. rob's birthday. short day. leaving early. meeting with marielle for the guggenheim. could've gone in for free.
show was good. wanted more pieces.
central park. AIGA. jonathan. mao. suckzoo. sun. dah-yee. debbie. john maeda. and sundry speakers.
new york times graphics. self actualization charts. emotional graphs during passionate moments. devotion. many-eyes.
inspiration. fun. moderation.
dinner search. mao abandons. curry in a hurry. MT fifteen minimum. matt's roof. beard. beer.
shawn. graydon. james. ben. chris. elinor/deniz. harris.
3am. lyric diner. girls out of cabs.
food. over-fried-fries.
laughing 'til crying.
F train home. letters to a young poet.
walking home while women walk the streets.
'night.
5:54am
work. meeting. rob's birthday. short day. leaving early. meeting with marielle for the guggenheim. could've gone in for free.
show was good. wanted more pieces.
central park. AIGA. jonathan. mao. suckzoo. sun. dah-yee. debbie. john maeda. and sundry speakers.
new york times graphics. self actualization charts. emotional graphs during passionate moments. devotion. many-eyes.
inspiration. fun. moderation.
dinner search. mao abandons. curry in a hurry. MT fifteen minimum. matt's roof. beard. beer.
shawn. graydon. james. ben. chris. elinor/deniz. harris.
3am. lyric diner. girls out of cabs.
food. over-fried-fries.
laughing 'til crying.
F train home. letters to a young poet.
walking home while women walk the streets.
'night.
5:54am
Friday, May 23
1:48am visiting and working
working and visiting.
tomorrow's friday. long day of events. short day at work.
ss+k seems like an pretty sweet place to work for. and that says a lot considering that it's hard to even get to a sweet place without downsides.
what else. what else.
I write funny things in my head during the morning. but I forget them afterwards.
I need to scribble them down.
reading design by numbers by john maeda is like reading a suspense thriller. 'cause I know that I'll learn something by the end of the book.
I'll know something. and the anticipation kills. today. I learned how to make a square.
a square on a screen.
imagine that.
I'm thrilled. couldn't wait to get home and code it in myself. and see it display. bleup. there it is.
need to know what else I can do with it.
sleep time.
woke up early today to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. felt good. but not used to waking up that early.
there's a lot of hours between 5am and 10am.
2:19am
tomorrow's friday. long day of events. short day at work.
ss+k seems like an pretty sweet place to work for. and that says a lot considering that it's hard to even get to a sweet place without downsides.
what else. what else.
I write funny things in my head during the morning. but I forget them afterwards.
I need to scribble them down.
reading design by numbers by john maeda is like reading a suspense thriller. 'cause I know that I'll learn something by the end of the book.
I'll know something. and the anticipation kills. today. I learned how to make a square.
a square on a screen.
imagine that.
I'm thrilled. couldn't wait to get home and code it in myself. and see it display. bleup. there it is.
need to know what else I can do with it.
sleep time.
woke up early today to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. felt good. but not used to waking up that early.
there's a lot of hours between 5am and 10am.
2:19am
Wednesday, May 21
2:35am meetings
Met with a recruiter today. a head hunter. they search for brains and talent.
and it was raining. and cold.
I need new shoes.
and sleep.
why am I not sleeping regular hours?
afraid of non-productivity.
eek!
2:40am
and it was raining. and cold.
I need new shoes.
and sleep.
why am I not sleeping regular hours?
afraid of non-productivity.
eek!
2:40am
Monday, May 19
3:18am why am I not sleeping yet?
maybe because 3am is my sunrise.
it's normal for me.
and the story of the night:
on the 6 train tonight. coming home.
I look over to my left and this girl/woman is reading some print-outs.
I nosy a glance and see something along the lines of:
Top 10 Fellatio Tips.
double take. what? what? yeeup.
the print out header says "babeland university."
so I'm wondering if she's studying to be a sex therapist. maybe that'll explain it all.
why she doesn't feel embarrassed by it. because it's a career move.
couldn't see whether the tips were useful or not, and I didn't want to stare.
so that was that.
people always overhear the weirdest things in NYC. never thought I'd oversee something that'd compare.
I feel the urge to avoid puns in this entry.
and now I have babeland university in my search box. great.
3:27am
it's normal for me.
and the story of the night:
on the 6 train tonight. coming home.
I look over to my left and this girl/woman is reading some print-outs.
I nosy a glance and see something along the lines of:
Top 10 Fellatio Tips.
double take. what? what? yeeup.
the print out header says "babeland university."
so I'm wondering if she's studying to be a sex therapist. maybe that'll explain it all.
why she doesn't feel embarrassed by it. because it's a career move.
couldn't see whether the tips were useful or not, and I didn't want to stare.
so that was that.
people always overhear the weirdest things in NYC. never thought I'd oversee something that'd compare.
I feel the urge to avoid puns in this entry.
and now I have babeland university in my search box. great.
3:27am
Sunday, May 18
7:06pm I wanto feel nostalgic.
about school. and the expectations that come with it.
once it's done, everything changes.
we're adults now. we're supposed to fend for ourselves.
I should fend for myself.
among other things.
!
so I miss that already.
and dread what's looming ahead.
7:09pm
once it's done, everything changes.
we're adults now. we're supposed to fend for ourselves.
I should fend for myself.
among other things.
!
so I miss that already.
and dread what's looming ahead.
7:09pm
Saturday, May 17
1:46am watching and noting videos online
from katya:
http://www.bampfa.berkeley.edu/media/kubelka.mov
everything's a metaphor. everything's communication.
how he compares money to weapons and means of hunting and gathering.
the supermarket is a plastic paradise.
food is the medium through which the cook communicates to the audience. bam.
domesticating the horizon. artificial horizons.
"persuaded the cow to give her milk" lol.
milk in a bottle= domesticated spaces. 'cause it'd never see the light of day. from mother to child.
an edible metaphor.
1/4 of the movie done. more to come.
http://www.bampfa.berkeley.edu/media/kubelka.mov
everything's a metaphor. everything's communication.
how he compares money to weapons and means of hunting and gathering.
the supermarket is a plastic paradise.
food is the medium through which the cook communicates to the audience. bam.
domesticating the horizon. artificial horizons.
"persuaded the cow to give her milk" lol.
milk in a bottle= domesticated spaces. 'cause it'd never see the light of day. from mother to child.
an edible metaphor.
1/4 of the movie done. more to come.
4:01am graduation
was technically yesterday.
so I'm feeling that there's more testosterone flowing around me. not in. the body's not producing more. but I'm walking around. I was walking around for a split second with a new aura.
it's faded.
and now I'm waiting to see what graduation feels like. what the real world smells like.
how it reacts.
graduating from college and enrolling into the real world. not that we weren't in it before. just a sub-section of it.
and this body of water is just slightly bigger, and deeper. with more people swimming around. we can go anywhere.
I started worrying about not doing work. not creating constantly.
that's my fear. to not create. and slack off because we don't have to create work any more.
there's not incentive for it. the diploma is in my hands, sucker.
so that's the fear.
I have to counter it. before it sets in and the roots dig in.
what am I supposed to learn from this moment? I figured yesterday that I could've been doing what I'm doing now all these years. emailing and reaching out to people.
it would've been more hit and miss, but contacts none-the-less.
that's slightly frustrating.
the other thing I'm learning at this very moment is to let go.
maybe there'll be things in life that won't have definite endings. and they just fade away.
and I should be fine with it. learn to deal and live with.
I don't know why I need the closure, because I wouldn't ask for much anyway. so there really isn't a need to fight for it. because if I would end up with it after striving for it, I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with it.
but I there's the need to know. because the possibility kills. potential is dangerous.
and not knowing chips away.
uncertainty. that's what it is. what I need is a replacement of things I want. maybe distractions. no.
not distractions. that's just digging a deeper hole.
but figure out what I want. and re-orient myself.
and bam. onwards into a new fight.
because school struggles are over. now I need new ones to keep me alive.
and knowing what I want to do after overcoming the struggles is important. to me. that's how I function. that's how I dysfunction.
4:15am. sleep time.
so I'm feeling that there's more testosterone flowing around me. not in. the body's not producing more. but I'm walking around. I was walking around for a split second with a new aura.
it's faded.
and now I'm waiting to see what graduation feels like. what the real world smells like.
how it reacts.
graduating from college and enrolling into the real world. not that we weren't in it before. just a sub-section of it.
and this body of water is just slightly bigger, and deeper. with more people swimming around. we can go anywhere.
I started worrying about not doing work. not creating constantly.
that's my fear. to not create. and slack off because we don't have to create work any more.
there's not incentive for it. the diploma is in my hands, sucker.
so that's the fear.
I have to counter it. before it sets in and the roots dig in.
what am I supposed to learn from this moment? I figured yesterday that I could've been doing what I'm doing now all these years. emailing and reaching out to people.
it would've been more hit and miss, but contacts none-the-less.
that's slightly frustrating.
the other thing I'm learning at this very moment is to let go.
maybe there'll be things in life that won't have definite endings. and they just fade away.
and I should be fine with it. learn to deal and live with.
I don't know why I need the closure, because I wouldn't ask for much anyway. so there really isn't a need to fight for it. because if I would end up with it after striving for it, I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with it.
but I there's the need to know. because the possibility kills. potential is dangerous.
and not knowing chips away.
uncertainty. that's what it is. what I need is a replacement of things I want. maybe distractions. no.
not distractions. that's just digging a deeper hole.
but figure out what I want. and re-orient myself.
and bam. onwards into a new fight.
because school struggles are over. now I need new ones to keep me alive.
and knowing what I want to do after overcoming the struggles is important. to me. that's how I function. that's how I dysfunction.
4:15am. sleep time.
Friday, May 16
2:13am the cutest thing in the world
when a small child is singing her ABCs in random order.
saw it happen this morning on the bus. then she knows the tune to Mary had a Little Lamb. and she asks mommy to sing it.
she knows the tunes and jumbles the words.
the lady sitting next to her asks how old she is.
silence.
blank stare.
searching for an answer.
seven!
you're not seven, mommy corrects.
she's obviously not seven. but you have to give it to her for blurting out an answer. giving it a shot. fearless.
then tonight at the Brilliant event, takashi's baby. mirai has to be the cutest baby in the world. has to be.
I'm usually not too crazy about cute babies. all babies are cute. but Mirai oozes with sweetness it makes you almost squirm at how cute she is. you don't know what to do and it makes you want to lose your composure.
2:19am
saw it happen this morning on the bus. then she knows the tune to Mary had a Little Lamb. and she asks mommy to sing it.
she knows the tunes and jumbles the words.
the lady sitting next to her asks how old she is.
silence.
blank stare.
searching for an answer.
seven!
you're not seven, mommy corrects.
she's obviously not seven. but you have to give it to her for blurting out an answer. giving it a shot. fearless.
then tonight at the Brilliant event, takashi's baby. mirai has to be the cutest baby in the world. has to be.
I'm usually not too crazy about cute babies. all babies are cute. but Mirai oozes with sweetness it makes you almost squirm at how cute she is. you don't know what to do and it makes you want to lose your composure.
2:19am
Wednesday, May 14
2:16am two things.
maybe more.
there's nothing in this world like receiving advice from someone you admire.
life should be that simple.
the other item on the list is: maybe I'm expecting things to move faster than I need them to be. meaning, I should slow down my expectations. same standard, different time frame.
and I should write longer entries. cap and gown tomorrow. sister just got home. that means the bunk-bed for me.
yes. I feel like a 5 year old. and I'm afraid I'll fall off and crush whatever's underneath me. or that I might break the bed.
and neither case is good in the ultimate sense.
and I need to get up early tomorrow morning, today, I mean, to email folks.
I thought: I need to write a ton of email. and that's a lot of emails 'cause they don't weigh anything at all.
ba-zing.
2:21am
there's nothing in this world like receiving advice from someone you admire.
life should be that simple.
the other item on the list is: maybe I'm expecting things to move faster than I need them to be. meaning, I should slow down my expectations. same standard, different time frame.
and I should write longer entries. cap and gown tomorrow. sister just got home. that means the bunk-bed for me.
yes. I feel like a 5 year old. and I'm afraid I'll fall off and crush whatever's underneath me. or that I might break the bed.
and neither case is good in the ultimate sense.
and I need to get up early tomorrow morning, today, I mean, to email folks.
I thought: I need to write a ton of email. and that's a lot of emails 'cause they don't weigh anything at all.
ba-zing.
2:21am
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