New Year's Resolution (work in progress)

In random order:

1. Reply to all emails within 24 hours. Or your money back.
2. Less thinking, more doing.
3. Learn 3 things about someone.
4. Compile a list of weaknesses; stop watching TV with subtitles; improve small talk;

Six Years Ago

Sitting in Mrs. Noble's AP English class, recommended by Greg.

Six years later, I either finish watching it, or I'm watching it again and I don't remember the second half.

Either way, it's magical.

Punch Drunk Love. ::le sigh::

Started watching Coffee and Cigarettes on Hulu, but couldn't really swallow the commercials and the small screen. The dialogue wasn't helping either. So I said, enough of this torture, I want something better.

Pull out the time machine and Punch Drunk Love inside the DVD player.

Afterwards, google Paul Thomas Anderson and realize that Annie had told me about him before. From There Will Be Blood. scroll some more and IMDB tells me that he wrote Coffee and Cigarettes. Is that the definition of irony?

I can't take this crappy movie, and the circumstances surrounding the experience, so I'll opt for your other movie that'll be added to my list of favorites.

I love how awkward he is throughout the movie. Maybe it's what I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's the piano on the desk. Or that I might actually try to collect pudding because of a marketing mistake.

I'd watch it again with the commentaries if it wasn't 2:59am. Better this way, I'll sleep with a smile on my face.

(image from here)

0:10 My thumbs hurt.

I've been on the computer all day. Literally. just sitting on top of my laptop.

had my two meals in between looking at html and css and playing with this and toying with that.

it's christmas day. but it doesn't really mean much. christmas eve is where the fun is.

the anticipation is what's exciting. having it never lives up to the expectations we build up for it.

thumbs still hurt. I need some form of mindless activity right now. sleep is on that list. but I don't really want to do that. 'cause I'll eventually get to it.

the thing I hate about doing things wrong is not knowing where the mistake was. so it'll get to a point of WTF happened? why isn't it working? and then I have to back-track. was it this? was it that?

no no. maybe it was, and I'll never know.

I'm probably just tired. that probability is at 100%.

on to searching for that mindless activity. goodbye, 2008. I'll see you in a few days and say bye formally. in a t-shirt tuxedo. 'cause we're homies like that. I've known you for almost a year now. almost.

Oh, Schnaz!

To all my graphic design and advertising buddies. I thought of you when I saw this. 'Cause it certainly feels true every now and then.

Merry Christmas!

(that's not me behind the board, it's some other self-depricating guy, maybe him)

Anxiety

That feeling you get right before the race. On your mark, get set

And it never arrives. Feels as if my body's ready to leap, but no one's pulling the trigger. Perpetual anticipation. Any moment now. Not yet. Almost. Don't blink. Hold. Breathe.

The Last Lecture

Haven't watched it yet. Will do. Soon. ish.

Overshare

Webster's word of the year. There's a way to sell your dictionary and increase brand awareness. Googling the list of runners up, there's a different list of winners. hmmm, why is there a discrepancy?

misinformation via: Random Culture

More Bacon!

Thanks to Max (via: xkcd.com)

A better way to meet girls.

Or just people in general. 'Cause girls are people, too.

It's called Livemocha. Found it yesterday. Joined today. will start practicing tonight. Bam, bam, bam.

I recant my post yesterday about Lymabean. 'Cause LiveMocha is definitely better. And tomorrow, I'll recant this post because I'll find a better social network.

It's a step up from Lymabean and Facebook because the community is around a specific set of goals. In this case, learning a language to meet, umm, people.

So that means there'll be a social network for everything we can think of. food. babies. law school students? political junkies. backpackers. music, but not just music as in last.fm, but musicians. the way myspace is without all the other crap.

we've arrived to the point were we can't please everyone, just pick someone and love 'em 'to death.

Layoffs during hard times

If you read all these articles in one sitting, it paints a pretty bleak picture. And sets a tone for how we should behave in the next year.

Or it could all be exaggerated. So for those of us without jobs, good luck. And for those of us that are already working, we'll pray for you, too.

Most of these were pulled off the front page of AdAge. Seems like they're covering the topic pretty extensively.
A quick overview of the massacre

AdScam Speculation about jobloss

More Slashing
Omnicom to slash 3,500 jobs

Advice for Recent Graduates

The Firer and the Firee

Your friend gets fired, now it's a bit awkward between you two

Mostly useless advice reminding you to go get 'em

After reading all that, you'd figure that people are jumping off buildings and setting their clothes on fire.

But maybe the take-away is to somehow seize this as an opportunity to stand out. I don't know how. If you figure something out, let me know.

(In other economic downturn news, Superbowl ads. I'm upset FedEx isn't spending millions to entertain me this year. I'm 5 years old and you just told me Santa isn't coming this Christmas. I'm inconsolable. read it and weep a quiet sob here.)

If Facebook was more graceful: Lymabean

Another social network site. what Facebook could be. what myspace could've been.

localized ads seems to be more relevant and makes a lot more sense. though I'm skeptical of the part where he claims that you can read the businesses profile but they can't see yours, right.

and who's going to become a fan of the local plumber?

is the plumber even going to know how to promote himself on the network?

seems like it's restricted to only bars, restaurants, and social places. starbucks? how does that fit in?

Lymabean

via: Mashable

Snowflake up my nose

Snow is naturally romantic, because it drifts in slow motion. A gleeming white backdrop to your life.

'Tis a photo I took right after lunch in Chinatown.

It's nasty afterwards. The slush.

So enjoy it as it's floating down.

2:08am How to Read

wanted to find out what the best reading conditions were. 'cause I was at the public library today (Barnes & Nobles) and my eyes got tired.

is BN aware of this? do they optimize their lights, chairs, tables to maximize tired eyes? what about the typesetting in books? what's the optimal condition to read a book?

because once I go blind, I can't enjoy the flood of information any more.

googled "ideal reading conditions" and variations of that phrase with synonyms.

ended up on a post about How to Read

Just as useful, but not exactly what I wanted. and I haven't really thought about how I read. what am I doing when I read?

this is what we used to do when writing book reports back in school. but we no longer do that. it's not fun. and we read for pleasure, not to force ourselves to learn.

so I've tried to take notes sometimes, and maybe I should just start highlighting things. so I can go back, and read and report them. so maybe instead of trying to read 50 books a year. I'll do only 25, with book reports. maybe even 12, and really know what I'm talking about.

sucks that I'm halfway through 3 books. so I'll start doing that with the next books. but the highlighting will start today.

Mac vs PC

I still laugh when I see this. Why is that? I know the punchline. I know when it's coming. But I still smile when he swipes across the table.

oh you.

Names

The importance of them.

And how one name can rebrand all other ones. You hear a name and the standard has been set already by someone else you know by that name.

The obvious example being Hitler. Hi, my name is "Hitler." oh. as in...? yeah. but not as infamous. or just as infamous, however you look at it.

There are people in our lives that do this. Everyone name-parks. Some have to live up to the image others have set.

'Tis life.

Simpsons on Apple

Mapple - The Simpsons
by aarplane

Kind of funny, but not absolutely new observations. I did like the homage to the 1984 spot, though.

Via Jeff Staples

Sensory Overload

Maybe I should just lock myself inside a room with internet access and read everything 'til I'm blind.

Then I'll have to force myself to live a different life where I can't want to absorb information any more.

Damn you, Internet!

Let this be the day I officially mark my love/hate/love relationship with you, Internet.

There. I said it.

This is why:

I receive an email from a friend about a lecture by Big Spaceship, then;

I Google "Big Spaceship," then;

I click on the CEO's blog, then;

I click on the place his blog is hosted, now;

I have another blog to check out and distract myself with.

This is the new blog service: Posterous

Thank you, Internet.

Debbie's Guide To My Own Personal Happiness

no bragging to increase my own sense of worthyness.

makeup makes you feel prettier until you have to take it off, same with clothes. how you feel about yourself can't be repaired by how you look.

pride vs. hubris. know the difference.

assume change won't kill you.

money in the bank won't give you courage. courage begets courage.

freedom is knowing what you want to lose.

people need a lot of water.

being right is not as important as knowing when you're wrong.

when you don't know what to say. shut up.


from August 2005. But still true.

Happy New Year!

It's going to be here in 30 days. Thirty!

With any new year, comes resolutions.

And I say, if you have a resolution already in mind, start now.

Because if it's going to be good enough to act on it in 30 days, why not do it now?

So you can indulge a bit more in your shady habits? If you can't change today, what's going to happen in a month that's going to change the way you behave? magic? really?

They say it's insanity to do the same thing repeatedly only to expect different results. I wouldn't go so far, I'd just call it emotion over logic.

If you want to do anything, google it. it's that simple.

A quick search on "new year's resolution" pulls up tons of a advice on how to make and plan one out. all very similar advice in different forms.

focus, small chunk it, and make it measurable. my personal favorite is a support system. 'cause it's easier that way when we have people to follow and encourage us.

just four steps. easy enough to make and break. four!

and don't just have a resolution to fill the silence during co-worker conversations. you don't have to have one.

if they ask, say: "my resolution this year is to not have any"

and if you break it, great. 'cause you'll be working towards something else.

it's win-win.

so if you have a chocolate habit, or some other crack-meth related addiction, maybe it's time to think about it.

if nothing else. sit down and think.

leave the mouse, don't click on anything. sit. breathe. tell me there's nothing about your life you want to improve. and we can leave it at that.

but don't tell you want changes and add excuses. I don't want to hear it.

that's enough preaching. I'm going to get off my soap box and start my list.

Happy new year, world.

More energy from this new morning routine

going to give it a try for a week, and see how it works out. ha. works out.

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/04/2-simple-ingredients-that-will-boost.html

Inbox Zero

Inbox Zero: cleaning out my inbox.

Delete/archive: no more subarchiving
delegate: waiting on
Respond: keep things in motion, ask a question

convert everything into actions

periodically check email. on a schedule.

stop thinking about taxonomy

to-do: capture and recall.

email bankruptcy

technology's not going to fix broken practices.

source: 43 Folders

Trying to figure out "lifestream"

It's what I've been thinking about.

Now that I know what the google word for it is. I can figure it out. how long though?

and yes. google has a different set of words for those things you think about in your head and want to know more about. "search terms"?

Overdosing on information

That's the diagnosis right now. of all the things plaguing me. this is it.

too much information. I want to digest it all. and I just don't know where to start.

I started cleaning out my stack of Economist mags today. all the ones I didn't get a chance to read while I was in school.

flipping through to rip out articles. time went by. picked out over two dozen articles. they're on my table now. and there's another 12 months worth of issues to go through.

my intention was to through out the magazines.

so that'll be done tomorrow.

exhibit #2: tried to renew my domain name. links through links. endup with another dozen pages of articles to read. and two new RSS feeds that I probably can't go through. awesome.

how am I ever going to digest all this information?

I need to focus. and ignore everything else. but then I don't want to miss out on life.

so where's the middle ground? middle ground is average. and you know how feel about that idea. it's for chumps. middle of the road is safe.

I don't know what the solution is.

Improvements

There's a better way to do anything. more efficient. faster. less effort. automatic.

I've never had a such an urge to get up and fold some shirts.

I also noticed YouTube is in widescreen format now. hmmm...

Nostalgia

this photo breaks my heart.

into a million little pieces. like the sprinkles in that faux-book.

dropping sprinkles three feet above the table. they just pour out and bounce and collide.

each piece a fraction of happiness. and I'm desperately trying to catch them all with a toothpick.

it's not working. frantic.

and there are fractions all over. you can't put it back together.

I don't know why I'm nostalgic about it.

maybe I miss having to do nothing.

maybe I miss my childhood.

8:52

woke up at 7:30 today.

It's taken three days to build up to this moment of lucidity.

my sleeping habits have been atrocious. not something I could wear a badge of pride for.

so things are starting to change.

I've been getting earlier these past three days.

and today has been the best yet. got up at 7:30. and milled around online trying to come up with a new email address, which is pretty hard, 'cause like what women say about guys, all the good ones are taken.

but that's loser talk.

trying to wake up is painful.

there's a little voice inside my head telling me that it's okay to sleep for five more minutes. and it suckers you into an hour.

maybe I just need some breakfast right now and everything would be a-okay.

I could be warmer. that'd be nice.

but sleep would be awesome. that's that voice again. coaxing and cooing. like a teenage boy trying to put it in.

and waking up is like fighting a kid.

the minute I take away sleep. it kicks and screams. moans and graoaw;lkfasd.

but new habits can be made.

and I refuse to believe that there's such a thing as a "morning" person or "night owl" (doesn't an owl imply the night already? when have you seen a morning owl?)

anyway. my point is that habits can be changed. if I'm not a morning person and I make myself get up enough times early in the day, I'll eventually become that morning person I wasn't before. it's a matter of time. and sleeping habits.

so this is day three in that new habit.

hello, morning.

5:00

Ringing ears for $26.

The Definitive Series

A series of definitions.

Today's:

Gifts (which I've already semi-defined in another post).

A gift is not something the person is asking for. it's something they don't know they want.

that's a better gift.

if it's coming from you then it can't come from anyone else.

money doesn't matter. it's the thought that matters. and that doesn't mean that remembering to give a gift counts as "the thought"

"the thought" in this case means figuring out what they wanted before they even knew it. that's the thought that counts. not just remembering.

they should feel good. long term? short term? the length of elation correlates with how good your gift is. this is a reason why materialistic things aren't the best gifts.

they'll bring a smile. but it won't last. new wears out fast. is that why we have to give people gifts constantly? 'cause they wear out at such a rapid pace?

oh. wrapping. expensive wrapping is lame. they're going to rip it anyway. I use newspaper. plenty of text and imagery to choose from. and it's cheap and you can recycle it.

what does it mean if you don't get good gifts? that you know what you want and you usually get it before other people can give it to you?

4:25am

I feel like spewing. haven't done this in a while.

consecutive entries. without executive pay.

bang bang bang.

she's dead. resuscitate. one. two. clear. zap. zap. clear.

I was watching charlie rose this morning. Michelle Rhee? from the DC school system. about holding teachers accountable. and it got me thinking about whether I agree with what she was doing.

I haven't figured it out yet. but it seems like a good idea. because if you don't hold the teachers accountable with test results. then what kind of students do you end up with? the ones heading towards a dead end?

but then you start teaching towards test. and that's narrow minded.

what does a black president do to the psyche of a whole generation of disenfranchised kids?

how do you glamorize education to battle rap-star lifestyles of the athlete famous?

get-rich-quick. might lead to dying quicker.

there are things in this world that our parents don't teach us. money matters. how to be a parent. how to be a person.

simple things that affect our lives. where the fuck are we supposed to learn these things? by idolizing idols? this is all very twisted.

it almost seems that google could have the answer to raising kids.

how are kids supposed to be raised? 'cause it's obvious that there are people out there that aren't suitable parents. so what do you do? sterilize?

this is not fun.

I don't need sleep. but it's time to sleep.

pretending

I hate pretending.

hate it.

there are few things that I hate.

because hate's a strong word.

and I think I've blogged about this before.

pretending.

I don't know why I haven't gotten around it yet. it'll take time. but I don't like pretending. it's lame.

Gifts

inspired by today's events.

it's my sister's birthday. so I spent a large part of my day thinking about a birthday gift for her.

what is a gift?

something the person wants? something you want them to have? me being francisco, I didn't want to give her something that money could buy. something that anyone else can get her.

so I thought about it. while browsing for a new phone for myself.

what does she need? what has she told me before? what does she need that she doesn't even know? so I thought. and I let things simmer.

and that was my afternoon.

back to the definition of gifts. which came to me after I thought about what to get her. wandered around Target. not for anything in particular except ideas.

the next time someone asks me if they can help me find something, I want to say: yeah, I'm actually just looking for some Purpose In Life. can you help me find some? they might laugh and think deep down that I'm a jerk for jerking them around.

so Targé. I saw a club wedd kiosk, and thought of those club wedd days.

materialistic things are nice. they give you a shot of whatever chemicals are released into your brain.

but I want something long term. something that'll last and mean something. not a hallmark card. 'cause that's the complete opposite of meaningful.

I settled on something that I want to give her. not a "thing" per say. it's intangible. she probably doesn't know that she wants it. I haven't given it to her yet. I have to sit her down and pre-amble her with a speech.

it's going to be a lifetime gift. if she wants to accept it. and I hope that in giving this to her, I'll be more disciplined.

because of all the people in my life. the things I've had recently are all from her.

education, security, shelter. three words that have meant the last three years of my life and will affect the rest of it. all from her.

I don't have enough money to spend on a gift for her. so I'll use what she gave me to give something back to her.

maybe this will backfire. in which case, there's no plan B. things'll just blow up.

but I hope that today, her birthday, will really be the beginning of something. where we'll look back and say, that's when we decided to do things differently. that was the milestone.

that day after Barack was elected. speaking of which, google, you should put Barack Obama into your spell check. there shouldn't be a red squiggly underneath Barack.

I just typed in hitler and it was recognized. does google recognize hitler and not obama? what retarded logic. not the spell check but the pseudo accusation I just made.

faux-cusation.

back to gifts.

giving her what she doesn't know she needs.

and this goes back to something I learned from debbie's class. that if we believe in what we sell. we should sell to our families and friends. because if they don't deserve what we're selling, then why would we sell it to anyone else?

so what I've been preaching with my business card was part of it.

I want to help my sister be a better person.

I don't know why I haven't been more active about it before. school? life? lame-o-emo issues?

well. if I can't help my sister out. then I don't know what good I can do with the world.

so this better work. 'cause there's no plan B.

0:35am serious conversations

an intense conversation with mom. about serious things.

something that hasn't happened in a long time.

it came about after some insignificant comment. but then that comment was our jumping off point.

where once you slice open a wound, things just pour out.

and it hurts before it heals.

so that was good. not the gushing. but the fact that we talked. and things were communicated.

if I died tomorrow. I'd be happier 'cause this talk happened.

it'd be one of those things people in movies say they wish they did before their significant other passed away. so that thing happened tonight.

and I hope it happens more often.

'cause why is it such an effort to keep in touch with my parents? it should be natural.

hi at 3:08am

comfort.

too comfortable right now.

in the sense that I can stay up 'til 3:09 in the morning repeatedly doing things that semi-matter.

this can't be good.

no more I shoulds. but I should be doing things.

I miss the stars. the ones in oregon. the space.

saw "the human experience" tonight. go watch it when you can. it's good. life changing in that small, but permanent way.

subconscious enough for you to remember it a few years from now. that's just me projecting into the future.

Time and time again. 2:16

if someone invented time.

why can't someone else invent more time?

there's too many to-do lists with too many items on them.

filling a dixie cup with a fire-hydrant. done.

that's how much time I feel is left in the sand-clock. the hour glass. you can plug it.

but then that's lying. cheating. so what am I doing wrong? am I using a water-glass instead of sand? air? damn it.

someone get the quik-dry cement. put a stop to this. time out my world. freeze-tag it.

there's too much grease on my paper plate. it's not going to hold on much longer.

and my hands are greasy! I hate greasy hands. it gets all over my keyboard. now I can't use my inDesign short-cuts. curse you, grease.

enough venting-mocha-latte. time to wash my hands clean. breathe in. and monkey-wrench that fire hydrant to a trickle.

on eating. 3:03 am

Eating a sandwich is the epitome of being okay.

if you're diffusing a bomb and have a sandwich on one hand. there's no problem.

if you're in a shootout and eating a sandwich. a-okay.

eating is a sign that everything is alright.

it's a reminder that we're human. in the middle of anything, we can still take care of ourselves.

we're enjoying. it's a luxury.

when you're not eating. something's wrong.

2:03 discipline

it's hard to start a routine when my schedule is determined by my whims.

I can always do it tomorrow.

Happyness in three steps:

In random order:

- Work, to make money: being self-sufficient.
- Something, haven't figured it out yet.
- Work, to make things for the sake of making things.

4:07 back in the east coast

not sure where it's from, but someone, maybe more than one person, once said:

no matter where you go — there you are.

time for new habits? possible?

people say you should break from habits. but I haven't established my habits yet.

16:07 GPS Systems

The next evolution in navigational systems will guide you through life.

13:47 Snooping

watching. following. looking?

and sundry adjectives.

browsing through someone's facebook photos gives you a false sense of who you think they are.

you'll see all the photos and assume things. and if you happen to be interested in the person, delusions.

idealized and romanticized thoughts as to who they are. and who they can be.

and that's fun.

then I see things that tell me, oh, she's probably too much this way or that way, and I say, it'll probably be more fun if I just watch from afar. check in every now and then.

and leave it at that. keep the fantasy going. keep it alive. because it's fun at this moment. and I'd rather have that than finding out anything else.

what a silly world we live in.

23:55pm Seattle to Portland

A weekend in Seattle only gives you a glimpse of the city.

How long do you have to live in a city in order to know it? to figure out what makes it different from other cities?

two and a half days isn't enough.

I get to take photos and walk around. be in the city, but afterwards, there isn't much left for comparison.

only an impression and assumptions.

I'm tired now. not sure why. maybe 'cause I walked around quite a bit today at the Fair. where they sell 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets.

I don't know what to take away from all this time off. all this exploring. digging myself out with a spoon.

maybe some perspective on life. a smidge.

When art is co-opted by ads

CP Luv points to this video.

It upsets me.

I actually enjoyed these inflatable bag-nimals when I saw them for the first time. But then it gets to a point where I've had enough of it.

It's a one shot.

Then I see the ad. which doesn't feel genuine. They try to tie it into riding the subway instead of driving. it makes sense, but it doesn't feel genuine. seems fake and forced.

so I don't like it.

the ad drives people to the site, but the site is lame.

it's the not the first time I've seen art co-opted for advertising. will it ever be legit?

don't think so. because the art wasn't created with that purpose. so when the ads try to use it, it wasn't the original intention.

can you justify it? maybe. but it still feels like a cop-out. finding the easy way out. it'll never be as good as coming something uniquely for the ad.

the magic is gone when you know how the trick is done.

19:04pm Shopping is the most romantic thing imaginable

Strolling my way home, I passed by the Utretcht art supply store. Wander in and look around.

I look for a sketch pad, because I want to fill up a whole book with my wonderful ideas.

blank canvases all around me. each one a potential for something wonderful to happen.

I didn't need anything in particular. I've had plenty of sketchbooks half filled with scribbles, but none of them were close to the ideal sketchbook.

I didn't need anything, but I wanted to buy something, because of the potential.

shopping is the most romantic thing anyone can do.

Whenever we buy anything, we're buying potential. we have romanticized ideals as to what we want to do with our purchase. Make beautiful paintings. run better. look sexier. anything, but better. that's the goal when we buy things.

so we're always filled with what can be. that potential is what makes shopping so addicting. because we want to be better.

maybe that's why girls enjoy shopping more. because they can see the potential in things. they're more attuned to that part of them that allow them to see things. the better side of things.

then I went to Office Depot.

while going down the escalator, I thought about that potential again.

office depot doesn't sell office supplies. they sell potential. efficiency. they sell everything that can help you be more efficient at work. to be all you can be. at the office.

so I was naturally psyched about buying post-it notes. 'cause it'll help me be more organized and allow me to tack on neon squares of to-dos all around me.

same with index cards. to help me learn chinese. index cards.

I actually gasped in excitement when I saw half-sized index cards. what will they think of next?

then I went to Powell's book store. not books with information. but the potential to be inspired by stories. to be smarter from information.

when women go shopping. the potential to look better. to be desired.

that's the world we live in. it's filled with potential. all you have to do is buy it.

White-ish Birthday

0:56am A Sense of Oppression.

self imposed. stillness. silence. a spotlight in a concrete room.

the question is how does anyone control what they feel beyond any moment?

if you're sad. how do you turn it around and make yourself smile?

how long do you allow yourself to feel certain things until it's enough and no more.

enough so that any more is destructive. counter-productive.

how do you stop yourself when you can barely tell where you are. or how do you even realize what you don't know.

Nina Holton, whose playfully wild germs of ideas are the genesis of her sculpture, is very firm about the importance of hard work: "Tell anybody you're a sculptor and they'll say, 'Oh, how exciting, how wonderful.' And I tend to say, 'What's so wonderful?' It's like being a mason, or a carpenter, half the time. But they don't wish to hear that because they really only imagine the first part, the exciting part. But, as Khrushchev once said, that doesn't fry pancakes, you see. That germ of an idea does not make a sculpture which stands up. It just sits there. So the next stage is the hard work. Can you really translate it into a piece of sculpture?"

Jacob Rabinow, an electrical engineer, uses an interesting mental technique to slow himself down when work on an invention requires more endurance than intuition: "When I have a job that takes a lot of effort, slowly, I pretend I'm in jail. If I'm in jail, time is of no consequence. In other words, if it takes a week to cut this, it'll take a week. What else have I got to do? I'm going to be here for twenty years. See? This is a kind of mental trick. Otherwise you say, 'My God, it's not working,' and then you make mistakes. My way, you say time is of absolutely no consequence."

18:27 Reading online makes me anxious

Because the minute I open a page, see something interesting, and click on the link, there's something else on the new page that's interesting.

and down the rabbit hole we go.

it's worse when one page yields multiple pages. it quickly spider-webs into way too many tabs to read in one sitting. and before you know it, I'm reaching for my inhaler to keep myself from hyperventilating.

welcome to the joys of the information age. when everything is at my fingertips, how do I keep myself from overdosing?

“Talent” is like having a nice ass or a rich father; it helps open doors, but the actual work on the other side of the door is all on you."

from 43Folders

“I don’t miss my old life in New York. I only miss the life in New York I know I never would have had.”
“Just remember that there are other places,” she says, “and other people live there, with perfectly happy lives.”

from New York Magazine

Reading this article from Portland. I've lived in Miami besides NYC. But visiting Portland feels like the first time I've been to any other city besides NYC. maybe it's the lack of family.

or how different it is. or the fact that up until a certain point, you only consider certain things in a certain light. meaning that I had never thought about the liveability of cities until recently. and any experience before those thoughts started happening don't count.

the article affects how I feel about the tentative future, since, like all future events, nothing has happened yet.

There's so much labeling in the marketplace with the word luxury. It's become one of the most over-leveraged terns in marketing. But, curiously, no one's taken the concept of information and packaged it in a way that says: to get information first is one of the biggest luxuries of all. I think that there's room to use both the newspaper platform and probably a radio platform to create a very powerful print and broadcast brand.

— Tyler Brûlé

Portland: Entry Point

Hello, World.

It's 7:19am over here in Portland. Oregon, not Maine. though I do wonder if Portland, Maine is ever jealous that Portland, Oregon gets all the fame.

Today will be the first day of soul searching. Of actively thinking about things and writing them down. 'cause having things on e-paper translates into accountability.

I'm writing from the living room now. on the couch. the view to my right, a multi-floor parking lot. the roof is like the one you see in Fargo. without the snow and the shooting and the driving off with red spots in the spots.

how many hours has it been? maybe I should start a counter. that'll be for today. to javascript a clock that count-downs. or up. a clock that counts. clocks are the hardest working people I know. they work, umm, 'round the clock. and no one can really beat that.

unless you go at it with a wooden bat. and smash splinters around.

clock-bashing. not unlike gay bashing. though clock activists seem to be less vocal about their opinions. mostly due to their recent switch away from analog into the digital realm.

it's surprisingly cold here in Porti-land. not cold. that's a bit too much. it's chilly. the nice kind of wake-up-in-the-morning-with-Folgers-in-your-cup-with-a-sweater-wrapped-around-you-smoke-drifting-out-of-the-cup-into-your-nostrils chilly.

bare-foot-cold-tile-floor chilly.

surprise número dós. (maybe I'm throwing toó many accents around, it Latinizes everything. same how the ümlaut Germanizes everything. say, a half-pipe).

the second surprise: how easy it is to get away from everything.

Maybe these shouldnt' be online. I'm on text edit right now. way underrated program. but that's enough 'bout text-edit.

back to getting away from it all. for two hundred forty dollars, I started a new life for three weeks.

that means a back-pack, a suitcase, a ticket, and five hours later, I have a new life.

but only for three weeks.

and the flight wasn't even half bad. I know this might turn into an indirect JetBlue promotion, but that maybe that doesn't matter. maybe they earned their name-dropping today. or maybe that in itself should be a separate blog.

back to my point: five hours and I'm across the country. as far away as I can be from responsibility without crossing Canada and touching any other country. maybe California is farther, but that's not the point.

this all sounded so well thought out when I was writing it in bed. in my head.

if I can just pack up and leave for 3 weeks. how hard is it to pack up and leave for 3 years? 6 years? I found myself saying pretty damn easy. I just did it in two days. and theoretically, some people could do it within hours.

where does that leave us? anywhere we want to go. there's really no holding back.

given that I already had a place to stay and knew people. so maybe that's a big part of the equation.

what does it say about me when I feel that there's not much in NYC to keep me there? not my mom. nor my sis. 'cause they'll be fine with or without me. (sidebar: make a list of clichés to avoid, sidebar within sidebar: what kind of word is 'cliché'? french?)

and same with friends. I don't have a girlfriend whose arms I can run into when I land at JFK. friends come and go. you always make new friends. so where is the attachment? my metaphorical ball-n-chain? my anchor? and sundry heavy objects that weight things down?

maybe the only thing that can keep me in NYC is the repulsion of other cities.

or maybe the only thing that can keep us from moving are the reasons we make up. the attachments we have. maybe I don't feel attached to NYC. it's only been three years.

maybe my biological clock is saying get out of there.

maybe I like to say maybe all the time. maybe 'cause it makes me sound logical and considerate of alternative opinions to my own. open to be wrong.

what's in store for today? 7:46am

I want to write three times a day. write more than I eat. make room for new thoughts. actively look for it. something.

the sun is up.

7:51am

cars are driving by. it's that time of the day.

maybe I'll just have small writing times. five, six times a day. once every five, six hours. wake up in the middle of the night. with my eyes closed. and ghost typing in the air. sleep walking my thoughts into the keyboard.

and when all my dreams are done, bam, slump back into bed.

and start cooking. sorry. didn't mean to throw that out there at you like that. without warning. uninstigated (though that's not the word I'm looking for).

yes. me. cooking. let's just leave it for now and see how it develops.

it's nice that there's a tree right next to the parking lot. though taller, I'm sure it'll lose in a fight with the parking lot. there's just so much more concrete.

8am: maybe I'm done spilling my guts out.

10:58am

It's so beautiful out. Skin cancer almost seems worth it.

4:58am

I'll be okay tomorrow.

Right now, everything is fine. It is. Nothing is wrong. no cancer. no hunger. maybe a bit sleepy.

but nothing that can't be satisfied within an arms reach. if you know what I mean.

nothing is absolutely wrong. but there is.

of all the things that are good right now, I need a conversation.

not someone to talk to. you can talk to anyone. but someone beyond that superficial talk.

maybe that takes time. maybe I'm missing my friends. old school, nostalgic memories that haven't repeated themselves recently.

not sure what it is.

I think I know. maybe.

so that's it. all I need at the moment. everything else comes after.

'night.

5:10

Beijing Olympics

Inside the opening ceremonies as seen on TV and via the NYTimes




As seen on Vice TV

Admittedly, Vice does feels like they sensationalize it a tad too much. a pinch. but still somewhat good to see another side of the China. This is what the games feel like: let's go party while you watch us on TV from your mud-shack. assuming you have a TV.

self-loathing online

This blog needs a facelift. in a non-superficial way.

and still working on the book. nothing new to report. been reading and not writing.

but you can see that from the dates on this blog.

end.

! Flickr

Trying to figure out what to do with my Flickr account. post photos. why not just facebook? I don't know. trying something new.

let's see where this gets us.

bam.

0:14am On Trampolines

I want my babies to be born on a trampoline.

That's all there is to it.

If everyone could be tossed into the air once in their lifetime, there'd be less domestic abuse.

The rate of incidence for violent crimes in Philly would half by the year 2013. And that'd the beginning of a new era in crime deterrence.

trampolines in schools. the gym wouldn't be the same again. ESPN2 would broadcast game from the PTL—the professional trampolines league.

there'd be a minor leagues, too.

it's an intense sport. like a cage match. in the air.

so it was ridiculous fun jumping on that thing. that's what she said.

and tiring. she said that, too.

today shall be that day I first got on a trampoline. forget pools. those are lame. trampolines are it. gimme.

1:06am

1:38am Delaying the inevitable.

Feels like that's all I do now.

I keep holding off until the last possible minute. The minute arrives and I have to give in. no more holding on. no more excuses. it's head on. and all this time. agony has set in. hasn't made itself comfortable, because all it knows is a state of being without comfort.

I have to do things I've been putting off for reasons that are beyond my reasoning. I don't know why. I have inklings as to why. but I'd rather not dig 'em out.

a house of cards. and the fans are blowing. the A/C's not on. it rained outside tonight. as opposed to raining inside.

what I'm trying to say is that at this moment, I'm miserable. agonizing over things that I should do and get over with. because they're not that big of a deal. and I'm dramatizing things and making a big deal out of free samples. spare change? are those the most insignificant things in our lives? lint? that's pretty innocuous, isn't it?

One down. two more to go.

'night

1:48am

On HBO and TruBlood

Seems like the show could be interesting. I trust HBO, though I really haven't seen most of the shows.

While watching some of the promo videos, I thought about X-Men. Same set up. mutants living among you. the parallel here is people you think are different. minorities.

I'm not a big fan of all this branded entertainment, though it sometimes seems kind of cool. at times.

remember seeing the ads for TruBlood. double take on the posters and see the fine print HBO logo. didn't really like it, until I realized it's a bigger campaign. but still not a big fan of it. maybe 'cause I'm too lazy to go searching through the internet for the bits and pieces of clues. the TruBlood delivery truck does seem cool.

no final decision yet. I'll sit on this and edit it as thoughts come up.


NY Times Article on TruBlood

via Agency Spy on TruBlood

Campfire

Life lessons from Google

The gist: keep on learning.

very simple idea, but the hard parts are discipline and prioritizing what to learn first. you can learn anything. anything. but what?

I want to learn everything. but something needs to come first. giving another shot to chinese. let's see what happens.




P.S. I love PSFK. I mean. like a lot. enjoy reading. yes. love.

Read it > Google Blog

via PSFK

The Onion on Branded Content

Home Depot Honors Fallen Soldiers With Great Prices On Tools


It's done pretty well, with the sidebars coming out, the picture in picture, how they try to work in the products during the interview. but then it gets too over the top to be funny. they should've pulled back on the jokes a bit more and it would've been classic.

love the mom's acting, though.

But about branded content. This is what brands probably shouldn't do. stick their face where it doesn't belong and force themselves into the dialogue.

Via: PSFK

The Economist on the Social Networking

Everywhere and Nowhere

This article came out in March 2008. Which means it was probably written/contemplated about before then, and I'm only reading it now. Tisk tisk.

Interesting points, that social networks like Facebook and MySpace, while popular, aren't really business models. Their ad revenue doesn't generate much. It's annoying, and maybe they're better off creating branded applications to keep us engaged rather than have sidebar ads.

Then the analogy of old internet service providers into web portals. Closed to open. Same now for these communities. They're closed to each other, it's annoying to have to log in separately into each site. The solution? Email. It already has all of our contacts, calendar events, and keeps track of how often we talk to who.

Makes total sense to me what the article is saying. So the question then is who's going to be first? When is it going to happen? And how are people going to sustain it as a business model? What happens after the original founder sell out?

Nothing will happen if it's open source, right? What if the whole open source project becomes funded by some tech company?

Interesting times we live in.

On Video Game Advertising

Instead of placing ads inside the video game worlds where it might be out of context, roll the 30 sec. spots while the game is loading.

This is sweet if you keep the option to choose if you want to see the spot or not.

Once you take away the option of choosing between seeing the spot or paying for the game yourself, then it goes back to shoving ads down your throat model. Which isn't fun for the gamer, and that means resentment to the game, the brand, and everyone involved holding him down while the game loads.

Business Models: Dentsu and Anomaly

4:28am WTF. I'm up for no apparent reason.

And why would i need any reason to be up?

it's nice to be up and awake. it's quite during this time of the night.

tomorrow's another day.

I don't want today to end.

the day is over when I lay down and shut my eyes. erase today. archive it into my subconscious.

and it won't surface until it's needed. not when I want it to be here.

just 'cause I'm not writing doesn't mean things aren't happening.

it's usually too busy for that.

but there's work tomorrow. eeek.

monday off. sweet.

no more. I have ideas for a new website. but not sure how to work it out yet. how to make it pretty and functional to the way I need it to be. I have a feeling as to what it should be.

just a feeling. no rational thoughts.

and now I'm sleepy. running out of memory space. anything that happens after this doesn't get recorded.

birds are singing.

I was going to write about how birds don't "sing" per say. we say that they sing. but they're just talking. they sing to our ears. but they're not really trying to "sing" is just sounds like they're singing.

a label. that's what it does. or it's the inverse. where the feeling of the bird's talk feels soothing, so we call it muzak.

maybe I've written about this. but reiteration never fails to un-impress. the undoing of an impression. a depression, if you will.

sleep time is here. baseball batting the back of my neck. and cracking bones with splinters.

ka-plunk is my head on the stove. out cold.

4:37am

0:26am Online Tantrums over Falling Water in NYC

The first "leaked" image of the waterfalls in beta mode.

It's interesting to see the photo of the waterfall in action, and more interestingly, though to read the comments about what people think.

how people argue, insult, and pseudo-debate about trite things online. well, is it trite? that's another question.

there will forever be those that misspell online and mis-grammar, but there'll also be their counterparts to mock their lack of spelling and grammar.

Some people have visceral reactions to the "art." Others whine about money being wasted.

And a few defenders. justifying its existence. Is this what art does? matters not.

the debate is interesting. how people will perceive it. undeserved value makes people angry.

0:18am "For Every Generation, There is a Gap"

Read the original article

From reading John's article,

I feel that we, as people, recycle problems. The old will forever say "back in my day..."

There are things that never change. They might be different, but essentially the same problems.

The constant struggle between the haves and have-nots. Me versus you; us vs. them; young vs. old; men vs. women. Now factor in age and nationalities.

So there are things that we'll deal with constantly. Knowing this, what do we do? Change? Adapt?

I was wondering a few weeks ago about the rate of change between high school teachers and students vs. college teachers and college students.

So what will I not "get" from the generation after me?

What will I complain about? Not be able to adjust to? Or will they essentially be the same problems I have now?

0:25am

14:55pm This is a test from the land before earth and above the sky.

never say whenever. or whatever if it arrives sooner and before you expected to be congratulated in front of a crowd of flying meese in Q formation.

1:45am Frontline: Young and Restless in China

Young and Restless in China

opportunity in china. potential.

software outsourcing.

high rises = symbol of growth

"returning turtles" = chinese coming back from abroad

changing jobs, cities, lifestyles like nothing.

"working every single day, spending my savings, dripping my blood; feels like riding a roller coaster"

internet cafes

countdown to 2008 olympic games.

migrant workers looking for work during olympic preparations.

regular wage = 40 cents/ hr (a way out of rural poverty)

family's poverty depresses, ashames.

between tradition and city life.

rapper: discrimination, money, social status; how come my life sucks?

identify with black people in america. dreams of having food and a big house.


public interest lawyer: 1.5 million residents forced to move for the olympics.

upheaval more humane. resentment by community.

vocal middle class. sacrifice your rights for national interest.

events in Tienanmen sq.

—how is what we're doing now going to affect how we live the rest of our lives?

health care: 400 miles to see a doctor.

his motto: cure sometimes, relief often, comfort always.

palliative care > save the family's resources instead of care.


///

more than half of the population still in farming.

if there weren't farmers, what would we eat?
too tanned, doesn't look pretty.

women leave school to support brother's education.

human trafficking.

gossip in the village. kidnapped mother is a disgrace to the village. WTF?



all the village's marriages are arranged.

a couple of hours from meeting 'til being engaged.

—expectations of tradition and personal expectations. responsibility for yourself and impact on others.

the huge difference between "dreams" and "reality"

woman with an MBA; during interviews, how soon are you going to have a child?


—different stories makes it hard to keep track of what notes I'm taking.

being abroad, being sensitive to bribery and corruption.

western values to judge chinese companies.

helping or not helping. apathy from local officials.

fish have to live in water, if the water isnt' clean, you have to live with it.

afraid that it won't be a moral struggle.

not knowing where is home. what am I doing here?



balancing work and personal life.

—so it's all the same things we deal with? isn't it?

many girls only believe in money.

believe in love? nope, only money.

there is no right or wrong.

can't be successful if you don't have several lovers.

after being baptized, he no longer feels lonely.

—there's this weird voice over description of what's going on the screen.

life support for your old age.

—feels like I turned on the disability feature online, hence the voice-over.

doctors breed doctors.

mcdonald's is a luxury. a place for proposal.

"I love her more than I love myself."

months of discussion before bringing her mother home. why so long? what's there to ask?

kidnapped 18 years ago before reunited.


3:17am chapter 9 and on for another day. we'll call it, Tomorrow.

22:07am

pollution from smelting plants, pollutes the river, farmers can't farm.

no one will buy their crops. their well is polluted. they drink the polluted water.
ask for compensations.

and people die from cancer. and the world goes on.


the land of opportunity—china.

quotas: 600 pieces an hour. 6000 a day. 11 hour days. no weekends. no time to think.

—maybe that's what I need right now. time to think.

the happiness index.

not individual and society. can you afford the things you want to buy?

no believes. no role models. they're all materialistic.

a poor kid going into a candy store vs. a rich kid only getting what he wants.

socially responsible and create social benefits.

—who doesn't want to do that? if given the choice, we'd all like to help, but what's the sacrifice? how much work do i have to do in order to help?

22:37pm

1:11am Frontline: "Living Old"

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/livingold/view/

there's a bug on my screen. don't want to squash it 'cause of splash damage on the screen.

bug juice.

karma is not part of the equation.

I love Frontline reports.

This one is on aging. people 85 and older. makes me think about how I want to age. and how I should be taking care of my parents when they're older.

and makes me feel better about a lot of things. if I'm 23, and I'll get to live to be around 80 years old. I still have about 50-60 years to see the world. to do something with my life. right?

—how does it feel to be a hundred? "the same as being 99"

—mass geriatric society. living longer and healthier.

healthier is the key, because you start losing your functions. you can't walk, talk, move, eat, see, hear.

it's not cancer, Alzheimer's, or the dramatic diseases.

—people want to live longer with their body at the peak, not aging and deteriorating.

—over the next 30 years. the number of over 65, 20% = 70 million of the US population.

—chronic illnesses keep you alive and dead at the same time.

losing control of your own bodily functions. things that kids get made fun of. that tease each other about.

and you live in that helpless phase again.

—number of geriatricians. 50. that's in the entire US? I think so. ridiculous. and the shortage of nurses.

what are your expectations about your aging parents? or my parents' expectations on me? and my sister?

$150,000 a year for the 24hr home care that is needed.

that fantasy of dying in your sleep. rarely happens.

is this why we have kids? so that some will take care of us when no one else will?

functions and comfort.

—nursing homes: the waiting room. or will you be better off than when you were at home?

—multi-generational households.



cancer when you're older. surgery, then chemo, is it worth it? all the trouble?

doing everything you can to keep someone alive. when are you ready to let go?

do not resuscitate orders.

is it love or cruelty?

"I do not want to be a burden to my loved ones"

assist them in having a purpose in life, since quality is not there any more.

the dramatic music doesn't help.

"I like life, the sun, the air..."

Making Eye Contact With A Stranger for 5minutes 45 seconds.

Saw this online for some reason. was wikiing Vimeo. and why can't spell-checks recognize new brand names? facebook doesn't recognize itself when you're writing on someone's wall.

tisk tisk.

So Noah takes a photo of himself every day for 6 years. cool. commendable. but what does that accomplish? it doesn't tell me much about him. watching him not blink for 5:45 is kind of creepy.


he seems like a lonely/sad guy. but I'm sure he's more than that. and in the end. his 6 years of photography doesn't tell me anything. it might make some people upload their years of self-portraits. and that's it. maybe that's good enough for some.

I'm sure it's cool enough for him. he'll look back and maybe remember what was happening during certain photos.

21:49pm Liveblogging WWDC 2008

9:49pm started watching about 30 minutes ago.

steve came onstage.

supermonkey ball and other apps.

now watching other developers talk about their experience with the SDK.

9:51pm: live blogging with typepad

9:52pm: associated press

(game changing device, forcing everyone to change the way the do things)

everyone says how much they love working with the iphone.

9:55 pangea. games are now $9.99


9:59pm. creating apps quickly.

22:04pm. hardware last year. software this year.

22:13pm iphone changes gaming with their rendering. and mobile. WoW addicts rejoice.

22:18pm. push notification for developers.

22:36pm. mobileMe. everything's connected all the time. isn't it this way already?

22:53pm. 6 million iphones in one year.

23:03pm iphone 3G x% faster. and making fun of other phones. other CEOs must feel small. right?

how embarrassing it must be for CEOs of other mobile companies when their kids would rather use an iphone.

23:17pm july 11th is too far away.

First Digg Post: Brand Timeline Portrait

No text, see it yourself. My jaw dropped when I thought about it after reading it, sweet.

See it here

among other things.

way too many things to keep track of.

digg. delicious. and the blogs I'd like to stay on top of.

when will it all come together into one singularity? I'd probably not want it that way anyway.

too much power.

1:47am a non-entry

2:00am a list of things to write about

That's what I started to do.

a to-do list of topics to write about.

right now, it'll be about how i'm feeling.

not sure what it is exactly.

it's very ambiguous. an amorphous feeling. neither here nor quite somewhere else.

work tomorrow. already not enough sleep.

meeting new people is fun.

It's a sense of potential. I want to explode with things. creating. and I feel that it's on the verge of happening. but not quite here yet.

the anticipation of it. as if my body knows about it before I do. because I feel like I should have so much time now. but I don't really. do I?

school's out. real world's in. but time's constantly missing.

and I maybe I should stay up to be productive. but I have work tomorrow. and the cycle has already started.

the one where I work too many hours and don't have enough time to collect my thoughts and move my life forward.

four minutes of venting.

2:05am 'night. 'morning. hello. good-bye.

2:34am lunch, dinner.

things happened today.

got home at 5am. woke up to a phone call. and it's let's go to lunch.

meet up. and have a good time with good food.

me: I like you.
her: let's be friends.

the surprising part is that it wasn't too awkward. and I wasn't completely embarrassed. only slightly and partially.

came home. napped for half an hour. went back out to meet everyone for ethiopian food. really tasty.

and hung around the park afterwards. wandering. talking.

so the weird part is that while walking home, I didn't really want to come back yet.

I wanted to stay out and just think about things.

where I am. how things are going. what I want to do.

quiet time. to digest my life.

I'm tired. but I need to think.

and two days ago. I figured I should ask myself this question every day: what's going to make my day better today?

and go do it.

it happened today. I wanted to know. and I found out.

no need to wonder.

friends and family over anything else?

feels like I have a lot to talk about.

to sort through.

when is that going to happen?

2:48am

5:46am Long Day

in a good way.

work. meeting. rob's birthday. short day. leaving early. meeting with marielle for the guggenheim. could've gone in for free.

show was good. wanted more pieces.

central park. AIGA. jonathan. mao. suckzoo. sun. dah-yee. debbie. john maeda. and sundry speakers.

new york times graphics. self actualization charts. emotional graphs during passionate moments. devotion. many-eyes.

inspiration. fun. moderation.

dinner search. mao abandons. curry in a hurry. MT fifteen minimum. matt's roof. beard. beer.

shawn. graydon. james. ben. chris. elinor/deniz. harris.

3am. lyric diner. girls out of cabs.

food. over-fried-fries.

laughing 'til crying.

F train home. letters to a young poet.

walking home while women walk the streets.

'night.

5:54am

1:48am visiting and working

working and visiting.

tomorrow's friday. long day of events. short day at work.

ss+k seems like an pretty sweet place to work for. and that says a lot considering that it's hard to even get to a sweet place without downsides.

what else. what else.

I write funny things in my head during the morning. but I forget them afterwards.

I need to scribble them down.

reading design by numbers by john maeda is like reading a suspense thriller. 'cause I know that I'll learn something by the end of the book.

I'll know something. and the anticipation kills. today. I learned how to make a square.

a square on a screen.

imagine that.

I'm thrilled. couldn't wait to get home and code it in myself. and see it display. bleup. there it is.

need to know what else I can do with it.

sleep time.

woke up early today to run 3 miles in 30 minutes. felt good. but not used to waking up that early.

there's a lot of hours between 5am and 10am.

2:19am

2:35am meetings

Met with a recruiter today. a head hunter. they search for brains and talent.

and it was raining. and cold.

I need new shoes.

and sleep.

why am I not sleeping regular hours?

afraid of non-productivity.

eek!

2:40am

3:18am why am I not sleeping yet?

maybe because 3am is my sunrise.

it's normal for me.

and the story of the night:

on the 6 train tonight. coming home.

I look over to my left and this girl/woman is reading some print-outs.

I nosy a glance and see something along the lines of:

Top 10 Fellatio Tips.

double take. what? what? yeeup.

the print out header says "babeland university."

so I'm wondering if she's studying to be a sex therapist. maybe that'll explain it all.

why she doesn't feel embarrassed by it. because it's a career move.

couldn't see whether the tips were useful or not, and I didn't want to stare.

so that was that.

people always overhear the weirdest things in NYC. never thought I'd oversee something that'd compare.

I feel the urge to avoid puns in this entry.

and now I have babeland university in my search box. great.

3:27am

7:06pm I wanto feel nostalgic.

about school. and the expectations that come with it.

once it's done, everything changes.

we're adults now. we're supposed to fend for ourselves.

I should fend for myself.

among other things.

!

so I miss that already.

and dread what's looming ahead.

7:09pm

1:46am watching and noting videos online

from katya:
http://www.bampfa.berkeley.edu/media/kubelka.mov

everything's a metaphor. everything's communication.

how he compares money to weapons and means of hunting and gathering.

the supermarket is a plastic paradise.

food is the medium through which the cook communicates to the audience. bam.

domesticating the horizon. artificial horizons.

"persuaded the cow to give her milk" lol.

milk in a bottle= domesticated spaces. 'cause it'd never see the light of day. from mother to child.

an edible metaphor.

1/4 of the movie done. more to come.

4:01am graduation

was technically yesterday.

so I'm feeling that there's more testosterone flowing around me. not in. the body's not producing more. but I'm walking around. I was walking around for a split second with a new aura.

it's faded.

and now I'm waiting to see what graduation feels like. what the real world smells like.

how it reacts.

graduating from college and enrolling into the real world. not that we weren't in it before. just a sub-section of it.

and this body of water is just slightly bigger, and deeper. with more people swimming around. we can go anywhere.

I started worrying about not doing work. not creating constantly.

that's my fear. to not create. and slack off because we don't have to create work any more.

there's not incentive for it. the diploma is in my hands, sucker.

so that's the fear.

I have to counter it. before it sets in and the roots dig in.

what am I supposed to learn from this moment? I figured yesterday that I could've been doing what I'm doing now all these years. emailing and reaching out to people.

it would've been more hit and miss, but contacts none-the-less.

that's slightly frustrating.

the other thing I'm learning at this very moment is to let go.

maybe there'll be things in life that won't have definite endings. and they just fade away.

and I should be fine with it. learn to deal and live with.

I don't know why I need the closure, because I wouldn't ask for much anyway. so there really isn't a need to fight for it. because if I would end up with it after striving for it, I'm not sure I'd be satisfied with it.

but I there's the need to know. because the possibility kills. potential is dangerous.

and not knowing chips away.

uncertainty. that's what it is. what I need is a replacement of things I want. maybe distractions. no.

not distractions. that's just digging a deeper hole.

but figure out what I want. and re-orient myself.

and bam. onwards into a new fight.

because school struggles are over. now I need new ones to keep me alive.

and knowing what I want to do after overcoming the struggles is important. to me. that's how I function. that's how I dysfunction.


4:15am. sleep time.

2:13am the cutest thing in the world

when a small child is singing her ABCs in random order.

saw it happen this morning on the bus. then she knows the tune to Mary had a Little Lamb. and she asks mommy to sing it.

she knows the tunes and jumbles the words.

the lady sitting next to her asks how old she is.

silence.

blank stare.

searching for an answer.

seven!

you're not seven, mommy corrects.

she's obviously not seven. but you have to give it to her for blurting out an answer. giving it a shot. fearless.

then tonight at the Brilliant event, takashi's baby. mirai has to be the cutest baby in the world. has to be.

I'm usually not too crazy about cute babies. all babies are cute. but Mirai oozes with sweetness it makes you almost squirm at how cute she is. you don't know what to do and it makes you want to lose your composure.

2:19am

2:16am two things.

maybe more.

there's nothing in this world like receiving advice from someone you admire.

life should be that simple.

the other item on the list is: maybe I'm expecting things to move faster than I need them to be. meaning, I should slow down my expectations. same standard, different time frame.

and I should write longer entries. cap and gown tomorrow. sister just got home. that means the bunk-bed for me.

yes. I feel like a 5 year old. and I'm afraid I'll fall off and crush whatever's underneath me. or that I might break the bed.

and neither case is good in the ultimate sense.

and I need to get up early tomorrow morning, today, I mean, to email folks.

I thought: I need to write a ton of email. and that's a lot of emails 'cause they don't weigh anything at all.

ba-zing.

2:21am

1:01pm two sides

on my right. drama and tears.

on my left. jumping for joy.

incoherent on both sides.

I sit and email.

6:03pm in need of advice

but google doesn't do that kind of thing.

query is invalid.

1:41am OSD

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ironically, I did have a dream today after what I wrote yesterday. but I wrote about it on the way to work. so I don't feel like reiterating it now.

'cause I need sleep and have to get ready for 'morrow.

1:42am

12:33am upset vs. upsetting

everything feels upsetting right now. not sure whether it's the fact that I expected to be done. or the fact that I haven't had enough sleep. or my bed isn't that great at comforting me in the wee hours of the night.

so maybe it's a combination of all those things plus a few more on the to-do list.

it's a no longer a list. but a scroll. it unfurls. and keeps rolling.

it says The End. but really means to be continued...

being near is not the same as being here.

I should go to sleep. I could probably list all the things on the list right now. but that'd be silly. enumeration only works in, umm, I don't know. maybe it doesn't work.

blah blah blhahba;ldjfa;lsdjfeladj

yeah.

and that's that. I need to go see a movie. Be Kind Rewind. And some museum shows.

so I've obviously missed the boat on one of the above already.

and I miss remembering dreams dearly.

12:41am

8:46pm when it's not over yet

it's past May 2nd, when things were due. and there are more things due.

a never ending circle of more and more. you have to put something down to make sure you're not running over the same path.

a pirate scarf among the trees.

did I say pirate? I mean red cowboy.

hungry. should go home and eat. I feel like I have stuff to write, but there isn't much to say unless I consciously recount the days.

probably starting from friday.

I need a camera.

a good one.

and there are things to do.

people to call. places to email.

I should email places.

I feel like I missed opportunities already.

way to go.

8:51pm

5:56am easy

It's easy to be up on time when you haven't slept.

finished putting together the book.

now off to work. no time to write.

and you see the pencil trail scribble off...

5:57am

2:20am one day left.

don't know why, but I'm frustrated right now. maybe it's being back home after spending so many nights in the lab. I feel trapped inside a mouse cage.

slightly uncomfortable and cramped.

it's not the lab's lights and space.

I should probably be done by now. but I'm dragging my feet. and everything I've done so far doesn't feel like an accomplishment. I know it is. somewhat. but it doesn't feel like it.

there's no pride in it any more. it's done. it's over. what's next?

but it's not really over yet, 'cause portfolio day is tomorrow. then the luncheons.

then the reviews.

and everything else on top of it.

but to end this entry on a happy note. katya's exhibition was pretty sweet. definitely access excess.

can't believe it's been 3 years.

can't wait for the next 3. I feel that amazing things will happen. I don't feel it now. but I'm sure they will.

7:58am waiting around.

for me to finish.

don't know why I'm dragging my feet when I should be done already.

on another note: waiting around for other things to happen.

they are across in the horizon. I'm hungry. I've been up long enough to make squinty eyes at the monitor.

the window is suddenly filled with light from the outside and it's 8:00am.

two days and we're done. ordered business cards today, maybe that's when you become a professional. when you're in business. with your cards.

I should back-up my files. in case anything happens.

8:01am

4:29am for the sake of writing.

not Japanese wine.

trying to write lines for Kiwi shoe polish. bupkis. nada. a few things that I'd roll my eyes at if I saw them on the subway.

not tired. 4:32.

right. writing for the sake of writing. because I can't come up with the other stuff that I should be doing. figured out a way to bind my books today. an easy way that anyone can do. better than screw-posts, and cheaper. the dummies' way.

progress, but 2 more miles until the next water station. the one that's broken, and doesn't have clear water. only brownish spewage that dribbles when you press the fountain button.

drib, drib.

episodian. random words in my head all the time. don't know why.

can't figure out the freepacking logo. and this. I want to work through this right now so I don't have to start over tomorrow.

anew. fresh. reset. from the beginning. losing everything. backtracking. reverse. rewind. repeat.

if I could do the same for "it shines your shoes." shine. shine-E. sheeneh.

4:51.

4:58.

okayokay.

there are things that need to be done before school is over.

school is coming to an end and I don't even see it coming. there's this distraction called portfolio day. and everything else is shrouded in bru-ha-ha.

5:06 done.

7:15am amending the entry below

so why was I writing about this really, umm, dignified woman?

'cause there's something else I want to write about but don't want to jinx.

that's what I do when things are about to happen.

delay it a bit. not really talk about it 'til stuff happens. 'cause if I do talk about, I have this irrational logic that I'll jinx it and ruin things. and it won't happen.

there's that.

things are happening. again. or they should.

ah.

7:20am

I spent 5 minutes trying to look for a word that was at the tip of my tongue. alas, a place that even google can't search.

6:50am things happened today

This is one of those entries. where I'll look back and remember this moment. or this day, 'cause I haven't been to sleep yet.

well, I have. at 7pm. for 2.5 hours.

I was on the train this morning. and I think I saw a different type of beauty. That's how I decided I'd start off this entry. I wrote it in my head while getting off the train.

A different type of beauty. She was sitting down to my left. And was, as Natalie would say, something about dignified. very.

she was just sitting down reading. Ayn Rand's atlas shurgged. wearing a paper shirt. thin, crumpled. and the back collar slightly popped. and done in a way that it didn't seem intentional.

short hair. looped earrings.

WTF. and slightly freckled. like lohan in new york mag.

that was the morning commute. staring.

then work. and trying to stay awake. almost physically impossible on 2 hrs of slepp.

but 2 plus 2 makes four. and I'm still up now.

googled this while writing this entry:

7:10am work and when things work.

after another all nighter, things are working.

feel accomplished.

but I have yet to do more ads.

will do so today.

have to.

must.

'night.

7:11am

12:06am fhui

That's what the upper right corner of the monitor says.

listening to Lykke Li: tonight.

trying to stay up.

over nights too many times in a row means the morning is night. and night is when I'm up.

how many times can I do this a week?

9 days. I mean, 8.

k. I think I got it.

12:09am

1:34am Bio

Why is it so hard to write a short biography description of myself?

Trying to be concise and nonchalant 'bout it, but want to make myself sound amazing without bragging and having an ego.

You'd think it's easy since you've spent most of your life with yourself. but it's not coming out easily.

And I want to be a copywriter?

tsk. tsk.

Self-doubt, here I come.

1:36am

3:40am waiting to go home.

so that I can clean myself up for another day.

reset.

work today. sleep. work in the lab.

10 days.

'night.

3:41am

time for Haikus (from online sources):

her warmth
penetrates
my down jacket

silver cutlery set out
with military precision

a cat waits
by the open cage
for the bird to fly

the sound of an arrow
striking its target

gunshot the length of the lake

winter drags on...
I squeeze the last drops
from a teabag

Alzheimer's birthday
each slice of the cake
takes part of her name

after the funeral
whiskers still
in his razor

meteor shower—
a gentle wave
wets our sandals

snail—
to know
its heart beats too

lethal injection
unable to shut
the blind dog's eyes

4:56am 12 days left.

and then things happen.

in the process of making them go.

::yawn::
4:57am

2:45am agency visit

feedback for my book from Ted and Isaac, who reminds me of moises. fast talking and himself. honest.

the reaction: personal stuff is great. shows them who I am.

do I still want to go into advertising? then the other question. there is no other, wait there is.

how do I combine the design/personal stuff with the advertising.

turn them into campaigns.

bridging the gap.

threading the needle.

counting the days.

2:57am

2:56am quick

write haikus, layout ads. work on more for vinny.

transferring from the 6 to the E, I hear shouts.

must be a crazy/homeless person.

who's he shouting at?

"go back to africa! go back to africa!" towards no one in particular.

he, himself, a black man.

2:57am

3:05am present

and accounted for. uploaded things. they look okay. but feel a bit sluggish.

I want instant gratification.

at this moment. it's sleep. everything else doesn't matter.

or does it?

don't know. 16 days. 'night.

3:06

4:58pm Maybe it should be every other day.

Seems like that's the new pattern.

I'm at a fork in the road right now.

The proverbial clouds ahead, right above the horizon line.

So there's a point of decision that's coming up head. storm clouds, and a side of drama.

That's how things feel right now. It's not over, it'll be the first day after graduation. That's what I'm jogging towards. and sprint through the taut ribbon.

Reading Arthur Miller on the F train. homeless guy was helping himself on the subway. so half the cart swtiched over. ha. switched into swtiched, eh? eh?

woke up at 1pm 'cause I went to bed at 7:30am. had lunch. talked to mom. she's telling me stories about work.

and that's where that feeling of looming events came.

cold feet + senioritis = I don't know what.

the other feeling of the moment is: established.

I'm a senior now. there are tons of underclass-people. and I'm imparting advice. or that's what I do every now and then.

and I'm very comfortable with what's going on. capable. and it's time to move on. the same pattern.

a new environment, two or three years, comfort, and time to move on.

then it'll happen again. a new environment, uncomfort, 2-3 years, and maybe time to move on again.

5:08pm

0:47am THE rEJECT SHOW

the night after ADC/SVA. I mean the night of.

maybe my writing isn't clear enough. maybe things aren't designed well enough. can you design something so that people will want to read it 100% of the time?

the survey was too lazy. poorly designed unconsidred. yet despite all this, a success. somewhat. it was.

in different ways. it doesn't work out the way I thought it would. but it was still great. especially the attention it attracted. the reactions.

some people are very willing to write down their thoughts. others aren't used to it. there's a drastic difference between ad people. and non-ad people. it's as if not seeing a punch line doens't warrant attention. There was a fine art kid that was totally into it. Same with some teachers and other random people.

I'm happiest when I'm creating work. not just working, but creating things.

a full day of work and chaos. then showtime at the ADC followed by dinner with funny people. Katie was very funny. in a dry way. sarcastic and make believe? is that what you'd call it? and everyone else was people that I'd want to hang around when I'm older. but I'm not their age. awesome people.

this is what happens when I do publicity stunts.

all we need to do now is to collect some more and decide what to do with it.

it's 0:53 right now and I don't fee like doing my homework. I feel like there are bigger better things to do once I graduate. Maybe I should just become a fine artist. stop lying to myself. and do what I'm supposed to be doing.

then there are no qualms about selling potato chips.

I need sleep. if i'm not working on homework. I should go sleep. 'night.

1:17am

8:13pm not in AM for once.

I feel like I'd be better as a creative director than anything else. Instead of making work. I'm always telling people what's good or what's been done. what can be improved. 

I can hate easily. 

Nope. nope. nope. been done. not funny enough. too small. this and that. but then where's my work? 

I can't critique without going through that rite of passage we metaphorically call The Ladder. 

so I have climb it before I can spit down on work. 

spit on it in order to make it shine. 

seems to be a pattern.

k. back to work. 

8:16pm. where's everyone else? suckzoo and dah-yee

4:22am Just checking in

really. not much else. in the DIC lab. 

talked to sunny. talked to the one clubbers about it. insane how quickly things can change. 

raffled off the ipoddie. nice. hope it works. and a box of too much stuff, that will need to be taken in bite size portions. the perks of this job. 

I think my chair was too low for the last 6 hours. my eyes are blurry. tired. and overblinking.

on the subway. waiting for work. figured I should write every day and say what I learned that day. 

it's been a long day. when it's more than 24 hours. it's long. too many things to condense into one memory. 

wake up late. leave at 9:15 make it 5 minutes past the hour. trying to read on the subway. rocking and surfing. get through some pages. it's a good book. wish I could write down some of the things they say. but I can't highlight. it ain't mine. 

what milton says about scarcity. if we feel like there isn't enough. we'll turn ugly for our share. but if we feel that there'll be plenty for everyone, we'll be in a much happier mental place. you won't have to worry about not having your share. and that's that. 

read this interview on mark waites from mother. it's 3 years old. he said something. don't know what it is now. it was a mini moment. 

was it the trying to find a job afterwards? persisting? improving. keep on working on his book. 

that was a couple of hours ago. typing with my right eye shut. it affects my spelling. 

started working on the Reject show. went somewhere. 

forgot to finish this. and it's finished.